Channel 13
by Leon XIII
Summary: My collection of short parodies for Videogames,Books,Movies,and even other fanfic stuff that interest me.
1. Ed,Edd,and Eddie Dombroski

Channel 13

Chapter 1:Ed,Edd,and Eddie Dombroski

Disclaimer:I do not own Ed,Edd,and Eddy or Silent Hill 2.

**A/N:This is just a collection of my various oneshots.**

One day in the culdesac,Ed and Edd were standing near a lamppost.

Ed:"My yeast is rising."

Edd:"Look,here comes Eddie."

Some big fat guy walked over to them.

Eddie:"Hey homies,lets get some pizza!"

Edd:"But we're broke."

Eddie:"Well lets get some cash."

Kevin rode up to them on his gay bike.

Kevin:"Ha Ha,dorks."

Eddie got angry and pulled out his S.A.A and put a bullet between Kevin's abnormal eyes.

Eddie:"Lets sell this fag's bike for some dough."

Ed:"I love dough!"

The trio sold the bike and bought a pizza. The were chowing down in Edd's backyard. Sarah and Jimmy walked by.

Sarah:"ED! Mom wants you to clean your room!"

Eddie:"Leave him alone brat!"

Sarah:"What are you gonna do about it,Fat-"

**BANG**

Sarah was cut off by a bullet to the neck. Jimmy cowered until Eddie grabbed him by the collar.

Eddie:"I haven't forgotten the time you ripped me off!"

Jimmy:"Please don't hurt me!"

Eddie:"Wheres my money?"

Jimmy gave Eddie his wallet,then Eddie gave Jimmy a bullet to the face.

Ed:"Hurray for Eddie!"

Suddenly the kanker sisters showed up and started making out with Ed and Edd. Lee tried to make out with Eddie,but he kicked her to the ground and shot her. He then shot May and Marie. Edd was covered in blood.

Edd:"Eddie,This is insane! We just can't kill people just because they pick on us."

Eddie:"You've been laughing at me too,huh double dee?"

Edd:"What? I never said that."

Eddie:"I'll kill you,double DEE!"

Ed:"My name is Ed."

Eddie shot Ed through his massive mono brow. Edd took off running,with Eddie in hot pursuit.

Edd hid in his home and locked the door.

Edd:"I guess I'll work on my model of the White House."

?:"Double dee..."

Edd trembled.

Edd:"Who's there?"

?:"In the kitchen.."

Edd went into his kitchen,the Refrigerator's door was open.

?:"Your really warm..."

Edd inched over to the Refrigerator and quickly opened it,no one was inside.

Edd:"Thank god,It was just my imagin-"

**BANG**

Edd fell to the ground,dead from Eddie's S.A.A.

Eddie:"No one Fucks with me!"

end

**A/N:I didn't put much effort in the ending,but it will get funnier in the future,I promise.**


	2. Cooking with Leon XIII

Channel 13

Chapter 2:Cooking with Leon XIII

Disclaimer:I do own my alter ego,Parker and Alex. I do not own Resident Evil,Prince of Persia,Legend of Spyro

I was standing in front of a counter in this everyday kitchen.

Me:"Hello everyone. I've decided to show you some cooking tips. Joining me is my annoying little brother,Alex."

Alex:"Hi."as he played his DS.

Me:"Today I'm going to bake peanut butter cookies. You'll need eggs,peanut butter,sugar,butter,oil and milk."

Alex:"oh,I drank the last of the milk this morning."

Me:"I wish you were more like Parker. Well,we're going to take a short commercial break while Alex gets some more milk."

Alex:"Wait,I'm only 2. You don't expect me to drive to the supermarket myself."

Me:"That didn't stop you from hijacking my sister's car. Now get moving or I'll take your safety pin and jab it through your eye."

Alex flicked me off and left.

Commercial break...

Chris Redfield was running from a Hunter. He hid in a safe room.

Narrator:"Out of ammo again?"

Chris:"Yeah,I continuously use all my shotgun shells right before I need them."

Narrator:"Sounds like you need...THE DAGGER OF TIME!"

Chris:"The what of what?"

Narrator:"The Dagger of Time uses magic sand reserves forged in the Heart of Persia. These Reserves allow the user of the dagger to rewind time. It can even turn enemies to sand!"

Chris:"I'm not impressed."

Narrator:"What if we told you it also turns Herbs into beer?"

Chris:"REALLY!"

Narrator:"Uhhh,yeah."

Chris:"HOW MUCH IS IT?"

Narrator:"20000 dollars."

Chris pulled out his wallet and threw it to the Narrator. The Narrator threw him the knife.

Narrator:"The Dagger of Time,for all your time rewinding needs."

Chris:"HEY,THIS DOSEN'T TURN HERBS INTO BEER! YOU MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD!"

Chris quickly stabbed the Hunter in the eye and threw the knife at the screen.

Back to our program...

I was still standing at the counter.

Me:"Okay,first you pour the baking powder into the bowl."

Alex:"You never said they needed baking powder."

Me:"SHUT UP OR I'LL PUT A SCORPION IN YOUR DIAPER! Next you put 2 eggs in. Then the cooking oil,peanut butter,butter, and milk."

Alex:"Shouldn't there be flour too?"

Me:"IS THIS YOUR COOKING SHOW? After stirring for several minutes, roll the substance into little balls and place them on a tray."

Alex:"Much in the same way he sprayed whip cream on himself to impress Cynder."

Me:"YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT LOVE! Then you dip a fork in sugar and press it on the balls to add additional flavor."

Alex:"By flavor,he means love."

Me:"WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR LIKE 10 SECONDS! Then you simply place them in the oven and wait for 10 minutes."

Alex:"I-"

Me:"SAY ONE MORE THING AND I'LL SMASH YOUR FACE IN WITH A LEAD PIPE!"

Alex:"I just wanted you to change-"

*******SLAM******

Then I smashed his face in with a Lead Pipe.

Me:"Thank god,some peace and quiet."

10 minutes later...

Me:"Mmmm,they smell good."

I took them out of the oven and take a bite out of one...

Then immediately spit it out.

Me:"WHAT THE FUCK! THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TASTE LIKE THIS."

I grab the box.

Me:"THIS ISN'T BAKING POWDER,IT'S BABY POWDER!"

Alex woke up,his forehead was bleeding.

Alex:"Thats what I was trying to tell you,I needed my diaper changed."

I entered my dark form.

Me:"That's it for now. See you next time and hope you won't see Alex too."

Alex:"Shit."

End?

**A/N:Don't worry,I'll keep working on the humor.**


	3. Alex Shepard:Prototype

Episode 3:Alex Shepard:Prototype

Disclaimer:I don't own Silent Hill or Prototype. This is based on a sketch from MAD.

In the Nightmare hospital,Alex Shepard dug the edge of his crowbar in a nurse's skull and pried it off. He leaned on his crowbar.

Alex:"Damn,I'm getting tired of killing everything like everyone else. If only I had some superpowers,like heat vision,Ice breath,or maybe-"

He backed into a wall and a vial of strange fluid fell on him. He grew a huge blade arm and was covered by armor.

* * *

Alex:"This is so much cooler than crowbars!"

Alex tried to open a door in his family's house,but it was locked.

Alex:"Hmm,this will be tough to open unless..."

Alex grew his Hammerfist Arms.

Alex:"I make my own door."

He slammed his arm on the door which broke through it and the floor beyond it.

* * *

Alex:"Alex's the King!"

Alex was cornered in an Alley by a Smog and Anima.

Alex:"This isn't a problem."

He sprinted up the wall of a nearby building and leaped high into the air,later coming down on the monsters hard with his hammerfists.

* * *

Alex:"Hammers rule!"

Alex stood before Scarlet,who was crawling on the ceiling.

Scarlet:"Hahahaha,you'll never be able to reach me!"

* * *

Alex switched to his Whipfist and grabbed her all the way from his side of the room. He threw her against the wall and cut her up with his Claws until she was nothing but dust.

Judge Holloway had Alex strapped to a chair and was holding a drill.

Holloway:"You've lost Alex,I've taken all your weapons and your helpless against my drill."

Alex:"Not all of them."

He activated his Musclemass,and snapped the straps like paper. Holloway charged him with her drill,but Alex easily grabbed it and snapped it in 2. He handed them back to Holloway,who stared at him in horror. She turned around to run,but before she took a single step,Alex thrust his arm through her chest. Her body was eaten by tentacles from his arm.

Later Judge Holloway came out of the room. A group of order soldiers came up to her.

Soldier:"Where's Shepard?"

Judge:"He knocked me out and disguised himself as a soldier. There he is!"

She pointed at another soldier,which the others beat to death while she walked away and shed her skin,revealing Alex.

* * *

Alex:"I should consume Lara croft and look at herself in the mirror naked."

Curtis was running his circular chainsaw near Elle's neck.

Elle:"You won't get away with this."

Curtis:"Who's gonna stop me?"

Alex:"Me you fucking hick."

Curtis:"I'm gonna cut you up good!"

He swung his chainsaw vertically at Alex,who activated his Armor power and dulled the chainsaw's blade to nothing. Alex grabbed Curtis by the neck and slammed him around like a ragdoll. Then he tossed him to the ground and stomped on his face,then absorbed him. He broke Elle's straps and she hugged him.

Elle:"Let's go home."

* * *

Alex:"No,there's still one thing I need to take care of."

After smashing down the big wooden door,Alex was confronted by Amnion. He switched to his blade power and unleashed a flurry of slashes which cut off all her long legs. She fell to the ground,unable to move. He sliced her stomach open and Josh popped out.

Josh:"Alex,you brought me back to life by beating the game in less than a Minute!"

Alex:"Come here little man."

* * *

Alex opened his arms and Josh ran into them. Alex then squeezed him so hard,he died and was absorbed.

Elle was waiting out on the street. Alex smashed through the ground.

Elle:"What did you do?"

Alex:"What I had to."

He picked her up,threw her on his back and glided away.


	4. Video Game auditions

Channel 13

Chapter 4:Video game auditions

Disclaimer:I don't own God of War,Drawn to life,Army of Two,Resident Evil,Klonoa,condemned,Mirror's edge,Alice

There were many Video game characters who tried out for other video games. Lets take a look at a few.

Kratos:Drawn to Life:the next chapter

Mari and Jowee stood in front of Wilfre,brandishing his scepter.

"You fools! I will destroy you all!" He cried.

"WILFRE!"

He turned around,to see Kratos,wielding the Blade of Olympus.

"HA,your pathetic hero will not triumph this time!"

Wilfre shot a beam of energy at Kratos. Kratos leaped over it and used the wings of Icarus to land behind Wilfre. Wilfre aimed his Scepter at Kratos,but Kratos grabbed it and broke it in half. Kratos stabbed Wilfre with the Blade,running him through. Then he pulled it out and tackled Him. Mari and Jowee watched in horror as Kratos tore Wilfre's head off. Kratos held it up.

"Uhhhhh,hooray?" Said Jowee.

"Kratos,this is supposed to be an E rated game,and what you did wasn't E rated." Said Mari.

"So what? Wilfre is dead,is that all that matters?" Kratos said.

"Now we can't sell the game,thanks to your Psycho antics."Mari said.

Kratos stabbed Mari with his Blades of exile. Jowee ran away screaming,and was put down by an arrow to the Head from Kratos' Bow of Apollo.

Rios and Salem:Resident evil 5

Rios and Salem ran down the hallway of an abandoned research center. Rios was armed with his G36C,G18C,and M14. Salem packed a SPAS-12,Desert Eagle,and P90. They walked up to this glass window and watched the Licker on the other side.

"That thing looks like Barack Obama's son." Salem said.

"Lets waste the filthy democrat."Rios said.

Rios emptied 20 rounds into it. Suddenly,12 more lickers appeared in the hallway. They went Back to back and shot Lickers from both directions until they were all dead.

In another level,They were in the center of an African Village beset by majini. Rios took one Hostage and used him as a human shield,while Salem took cover behind him,shooting at other Majini with his desert eagle. When most of them were dead,Rios blew the shield's head off with his G18C. A Cheplo? Emerged from it's neck,Salem blew it to pieces with his SPAS-12.

In another level,they were fighting Albert Wesker in his mutant form. Rios brought along his M134 minigun to blast Wesker into oblivion. Salem brought an RPG as well. With their combination of powerful weapons,Wesker fell quickly.

Later,on their evac chopper,they were talking to Josh.

"Nice job,the virus has been destroyed." he said.

"Man,I can't wait till we get our paycheck."Rios said.

"Paycheck?" Josh said.

"You know,our reward for killing the virus?" Salem said.

"There is no reward." Josh said.

Those were the last words he said before Salem blew his head off with his desert eagle and took control of the chopper.

"Damn it,how are we gonna get cash now?" He said.

"It just so happens I got a sample of that virus before the place blew up." Rios said.

"Sweet,we can hock it for 10 million!" Salem replied.

Ethan Thomas:Klonoa door to phantomile

Ethan walked through the forest,a butterfly flew in front of him. He grabbed it and crushed it. Suddenly,something crashed in a nearby pasture. Ethan went over there and saw a ring stuck in the ground. He easily pulled it out and inspected it. After running his UV light over it,Huepow,the ring spirit,appeared.

"Hi,I'm Hue-" He said as Thomas bashed him in the head with a Foosball rod. Later they were walking down the path,when they came to a Moo.

"Quickly Thomas,use the wind-" Huepow said as Thomas tazed the Moo with his stun gun. Then he ran over and stomped it in the head. Even later,Joker killed grandpa. Thomas ran out on the bridge,Joker was hovering over it with his ship.

"My,what a beautiful pendant. I wonder how it got in-" He said before getting hit in the head with a brick.

"Hey,stop-" He said again as he got hit with another. Ethan continued throwing bricks until Joker's head was a bloody mess. Ethan retrieved the moon pendant.

"Well,at least the pendant's safe." Huepow said before Thomas bashed him on the head with a Bowling pin.

Faith Conners:Alice Madness Returns

Faith ran through the streets of London. If anyone tried to stop her,she dropped them with a jump kick (This includes Dr. Bumby,Nanny,Radcliffe,and civilians). It wasn't any different in wonderland,even the Cherie cat couldn't stop her.

"Would you kindly stop running around so I can give you your Vorpal Blade?" He asked before getting jump kicked.

More will be revealed sooner or later. Please review.


	5. Channel 13 news 1

Channel 13 News

Disclaimer:I don't own Call of Duty or Homefront. I do own Andrew and Violet.

Andrew (A red 2-year old male Allosauraus) was seated at the desk. He was wearing the upper portion of a business suit.

"Good morning reviewers of Channel 13. Welcome to the news. Our top story." He said as he moved to a different angle.

"Call of Duty declared war on Homefront due to stolen techniques in gameplay. It is almost certain that Call of Duty will win,due to it's experience. We interviewed Captain Price earlier this week,we now show you the footage." Andrew said as the footage came up. Captain Price was sitting in a chair in a hanger.

"There ain't no way those wannabes are gonna beat us. We have at least 15 key characters compared to their 5. We also have several different factions,USMC,SAS,TF141 and others. Trust me,those pikers won't last ten minutes." Captain Price said as the Microphone poked him in the eye. Back to Andrew.

"Now to Violet for the weather." Andrew said as it cut to Violet (Purple 2-year old female allosauraus) in front of the weather screen.

"There will be severe thunder storms in Liberty city this afternoon,which will most likely wash out all the blood spilled in the streets. A Tornado ripped through San Andreas Earlier today. It broke open Big Smoke's Crack Fortress,sending 500 pounds of cheap cocaine to Drug addicts in the country side. Also,a massive meteor shower almost destroyed the U.S.G Ishimura,had it not been defended by an engineer on it's turret. Back to you Andy." She said as it cut back to Andrew,who was on the desk bent over, doing something under it,showing his diaper to the camera. He saw it and immediately sat back down.

"Sorry,I was fixing my chair. Tragedy struck the prehistoric era today,after the Leader of the Dino Babies,Truman,was brutally murdered." Andrew said as he started sweating.

"Eyewitnesses claim that Truman's rival and only female in the group,Lebrea,may be responsible. Police got a warrant to search her home and found a bloodstained Machete,which explains why Truman was decapitated. Violet,why is it so fucking hot in here?" Andrew asked as he took off his suit top.

"The air conditioner broke." Violet said as she took off her top as well.

"Lebrea was charged with murder after finding an elaborately drawn plan to kill Truman under her bed. The series has now thrown Franklin,Stanley,and Dak off the show to replace them with new characters alongside Marshall. The reason he wasn't thrown out was ,according to what the producer said, he was really the only baby on the show,the others were more like teens. It's obvious since he was only one who wore a diaper." Andrew said as he sweated even more.

"Sesame street ended after a vial containing the sample of the T-Virus broke and turned many of it's residents in zombies. We show you some footage received by our helicopter crew." Andrew said. The helicopter circled around an apartment building that was surrounded by Zombies. Andrew's cousin,Kaiser (orange 2 year old male allosauraus with glasses) reported it.

"As you can see,the series most memorable characters have all fallen victim to the virus. Big bird,Cookie monster,Count and Groper can be seen in several different areas causing mayhem. Bert and Ernie are the only ones still alive,currently holed up in their apartment building. Elmo was also alive,in his world,but even that wasn't safe from the zombies. Here is the footage of his last moments." Kaiser said.

Elmo was drawing stuff in his room,his fish,Dorothy was also present. Suddenly,there was a knock on his door. He foolishly opened it. A Giant Spider crawled in and bit Elmo on the shoulder. He recoiled in pain as the spider spit poison acid at him. Elmo fell down and the spider crawled on him and began devouring him.

"Bert and Ernie have been requesting that they send a rescue team,but the feds don't think they're worth the money. Also we just discovered that Bert and Ernie also have another survivor. That Gordon guy. According to what he said on the phone,Gordon was jogging when he witnessed several children characters get devoured by zombie dogs. He ran for Bert and Ernies,but a dog tore his left leg off. He still managed to get inside,but is losing blood fast. The military has sealed off the city and is about to launch a nuclear missile strike to wipe it out. Wait,a helicopter is landing on the apartment's roof top! Bert,Ernie and Gordon are saved!" Kaiser said.

Sgt. Foley and Cpl. Dunn entered the building,and knocked on their apartment door,which was barricaded.

"USMC,open up,it's clear." Sgt. Foley said. Bert and Ernie un-barricaded the door and let them in. Gordon was on the couch,his leg was bleeding profusely.

"Oh thank god! We almost ran out of ammo!" Bert said,holding a Colt Python.

"Stop jabbering,you stupid puppet! A nukes gonna hit in 5 minutes!" Cpl. Dunn shouted.

"Oh Lord! I have to get my rubber ducky!" Ernie said,running into the bathroom.

"Jesus,we don't have time for-" Dunn started.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Ernie screamed. Dunn and Bert ran into the bathroom. Ernie was fighting a poison Ivy with a plunger. Bert whistled,and about a dozen pigeons smashed through the window and pecked it to death.

"I rescued ducky." Ernie said,squeaking his duck. Foley helped Gordon up and started walking him to the door. As they left the room,a Grave digger smashed though the floor,causing the entire apartment to break off from the rest of the building. Bert's sock collection fell to the ground below.

"NNNNNOOOOOO! It took me 5 years to complete that collection!" Bert screamed. Dunn slammed the door shut and they ran up to the roof. As Ernie was about to go through the doorway,a bandersnatch grabbed his ducky with it's long arm. Ernie held on with all his strength.

"ERNIE,FORGET THE STUPID DUCK AND GET ON THE CHOPPER!" Bert yelled.

"No,this duck is my best friend!" Ernie said as the monster tore his arm off.

"YOU CAN STILL MAKE IT!" Bert yelled to Ernie as Foley,Dunn and Gordon got on the chopper. Ernie ran for it,but a Lurker(giant frog) grabbed him with it's tongue and pulled him inside it's mouth.

"NOOOO!" Bert yelled as he emptied his Python at the Lurker. It spit Ernie out,but grabbed him with it's tongue again and yanked him off the roof.

"NOOO! MY LIFE PARTNER!" Bert turned and ran for the chopper,but,the grave digger burst from under him and ate him. The chopper took off,just as the nuke hit a mile away and it's massive shockwave wiped out the city. Back to Andrew,who was whispering to Violet.

"I think I'm getting a rash,I don't think I can stand it." He said before he noticed the camera.

"Oh,I didn't see that. Well,thats it for the news so please,watch next-" Andrew said before he reached under his desk,tore something, and threw away his diaper.

"I'm Andrew." He said. Violet came over in just her diaper.

"And I'm Violet." She said.

"Goodnight." Andrew said as he started taking off her diaper.

**Sorry if your not into diaper humor. I assure you,it won't appear in all my stories. Please review.**


	6. Family Feud:Resident Evil vs Silent Hill

Channel 13

Chapter 6:Family Feud

Disclaimer:I don't own Family Feud,Ed,Edd,n Eddy,Dead Space,Resident Evil,Silent Hill,Half Life,Klonoa,Red Dead Redemtion. I do own Avatar.

"It's time to play Family Feud!" The narrator blared.

"Today,It's the Resident Evil family vs the Silent Hill family. Here's your host,Avatar!" The narrator blared as Avatar (A blue dragon with a white chest) was shoved on stage.

"I told you,I don't want to do this!" He yelled while he went up front.

"Umm,Hi. I'm a dragon from the _Legend of Spyro_ series. The author thought the readers would prefer a different type of Species to host a segment." Avatar said.

"On the Silent Hill family we have,Harry mason,Heather Mason,Henry Townshend,James Sunderland,and Alex Shepherd!" The Narrator blared,startling Avatar.

"And on the Resident Evil Family,we have Chris Redfield,Jill Valentine,Leon S Kennedy,Claire Redfield,and Kevin!" He blared again. Avatar,almost suffering a heart attack,walked over to the podium,along with Chris and Harry.

"Okay,we ask you a question that has five answers which we asked the people in our audience,which is very small,so work with me people. Name something you find in a locker." Avatar asked before Harry slammed down his fist on his buzzer.

"Hairy?" Avatar said.

"Cats!" Harry said.

"Cats? Are you fucking insane?" Avatar said. Harry got a strike. Then Chis hit his buzzer.

"Chris?" Avatar asked.

"Sniper rifles!" Chris said. Sniper Rifles was 4.

"SNIPER RIFLES! What kind of town do you live in?" Harry yelled,pointing at Chris.

"Africa." Chris responded. Avatar went over to Chris' table.

"So Chris,I hear your part of some Anti-terrorist thing." Avatar said.

"Yeah,the BSAA." Chris said.

"Great,I guess." Avatar said,before moving to Jill.

"Jill,we hear your the master of unlocking." Avatar said.

"Oh yeah,It was really handy when escaping the mansion and city,but for some reason,I still can't unlock the other doors that require keys." She said,after Avatar moved to Leon.

"Leon,your like the most popular character in the series." Avatar said.

"Hell yeah,I introduced the new over-shoulder mechanic." Leon said,after Avatar moved to Claire.

"Claire,your Chris' little sister right?" Avatar asked.

"Yeah,but the fans prefer me because I'm more romantic than he is." She said.

"It's a survival horror game,there is no room for romance!" Chris yelled.

"Your just too hideous to be loved." Claire said as she filed her nails.

"Let me at her! Let me at her!" Chris yelled,being restrained by Jill.

"Who's this little skinny guy?" Avatar said,pointing at Kevin.

"I'm Kevin,from _Resident Evil:outbreak_." Kevin said.

"That was one of our worst games." Jill said.

"The only thing worse is _Resident Evil:Survivor_." Chris said.

"And _Resident Evil:Code Gaiden_." Leon said.

"Then why didn't you replace him with another character?" Avatar asked.

"We did,we're just using him as a place holder." Claire said. Rebecca Chambers from _Resident Evil 0_ walked onto the set.

"Hi,I'm here. You can get rid of this tard now." She said. Chris picked up Kevin and threw him into the audience.

"Alright,back to the game." Avatar said,Heather and Jill walked up to the podium.

"Okay,something found in a locker." Avatar said before Heather slammed down on the button.

"Heather?" Avatar said.

"Perfume!" Heather said, Heather got a 2nd strike. Jill pressed her buzzer.

"Jill?" Avatar asked.

"Gunpowder." She said. Jill got a 1st strike.

"Nice guess,bitch." Heather smirked.

"Take that back,whore!" Jill yelled as she reached for her stun gun,but Heather had already pulled out hers and used it on Jill,whom fainted.

"Ladies please,no Tazing on the set! Next pair." Avatar said as Leon and James came up.

"Something found in a locker." Avatar said as James hit his Buzzer.

"James?" Avatar said.

"Shotguns." He said,it was number 5 on the board.

"HaHa,take that you scareless freaks!" James taunted.

"Watch yourself buddy." Leon said as he hit his buzzer.

"Leon?" Avatar said.

"Submachine guns." he said.

"What is wrong with you people? First cats,then perfume,now SMGs? Do you know what a locker is?" Avater said. It was 3 on the board.

"Oh,next pair." Avatar said as Henry and Claire came up.

"Hasn't changed." Avatar said again. Claire slammed her buzzer.

"Be careful,those things are expensive." Avatar said.

"Side-packs." Claire said. It was 2 on the board as 'Bags'.

"Henry,you want to guess or not?" Avatar asked.

"I'm gonna pass,I don't know what a locker is." Henry said.

"Next pair." Avatar said. Alex and Rebecca came up.

"Something-" Avatar said before Alex slammed his buzzer,breaking it.

"Damn It. Alex?" Avatar said.

"Ammunition!" Alex said. He got a 3rd strike.

"You're out of the game. Show us the last answer." Avatar said. 1 was keys.

"Keys! Who puts keys in a locker?" Alex asked.

"Okay,Resident Evil gets to play. Name a Firearm." Avatar said.

"Glock 17!" Chris yelled.

"Beretta 92F." Jill said.

"H&K VP70!" Leon yelled.

"Browning HP." Claire said.

"uhhh,Grapple gun." Rebecca said as it gave her a strike.

"Oh,sorry,That isn't a firearm. Now over to Silent Hill." Avatar said.

"Wait,I thought we could get up to 3 strikes." Chris said.

"Times running short and I haven't even interviewed the other team." Avatar said as he went to the other team.

"So Harry,this hot chick next to you is your adopted daughter,split from the soul of Alyessa?" Avatar asked.

"Yep,she was born in Silent Hill and her true mother was a psycho bitch." Harry said.

"Heather,is it true you have anger problems?" Avatar asked,Heather held her knife at his throat.

"Watch what you say,acid breath." She said.

"Honey,no threatening other people in public,unless they're monsters." Harry said.

"Sorry dad." Heather said,sheathing her knife.

"Henry,you seriously don't know what a locker is?" Avatar asked Henry.

"Yeah,there weren't any in _Silent Hill 4_." He said.

"James,you smothered your wife with a pillow,yes?" Avatar asked James.

"Yeah,she was a huge pain in my ass. One time,I brought her flowers and she yelled at me." James said.

"Alex,you know your game is considered the second worst in the series,the first being _Silent Hill:Shattered Memories_?" Avatar asked Alex.

"No it isn't!" Alex roared,pointing his Beretta 92F at Avatar.

"Hey,I've been looking for that model,where did you get it?" Chris asked from his stand.

"Well this card I'm reading says it is. Lets change the subject. Did you really kill your kid brother fighting over this family ring and died because you foolishly took him out on the lake?" Avatar asked before Alex pistol whipped him in the face.

"Alright,lets get to the question." Avatar said as he got up. "Name something a pipe is used for."

"Bashing heads!" Heather yelled.

"Bashing heads?" Avatar said. It was 1 on the board.

"Alright,it looks like you've won the game." Avatar said.

"Hey,what about us?" Chris yelled.

"You won't be going home alone. You all win a free copy of _Silent Hill:Shattered Memories_." Avatar said as the Resident Evil members were handed a copy.

"What the hell? This game is rigged!" Chris yelled as he threw his game at Avatar.

"Duh,it's a fanfic." He said.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Chris yelled,pulling out his Ithica M37.

"Security!" Avatar yelled as some Combine cops from _Half life 2_ ran in and bashed Chris with stun batons.

"We'll be right back after this brief commercial." Avatar said.

Klonoa was sitting on the steps of his destroyed house.

"Why is Klonoa sad? Is he depressed? Lonely? Or maybe,Hungry for revenge?" The narrator said,which caught Klonoa's attention.

"A fucking midget clown killed his grandfather and he wants to make him pay! But how? All he has is that retarded little ring." The narrator said as Klonoa looked at his ring.

"What he needs is a proper,Blood splattering,heat packing ass kicking weapon! That's why he should come over to John Marston's Weapon warehouse! He's got every weapon ever made! He's got pistols,shotguns,machine guns,sniper rifles,grenade launchers,Assault rifles,swords,spears,axes,knives,maces,bows,arrows,grenades,plasma pistols,lightsabers,rocket launchers,missile launchers,flamethrowers,hammers,2x4s,pipes,crowbars,wrenches,Molotov cocktails,blunderbusses,flintlocks,and Marston's favorite,TNT!" The Narrator blared,showing all the above weapons.

"So ditch that weak ass ring and get armed,only at Marston's weapon warehouse!"The Narrator said as Klonoa threw away his ring,ran off screen briefly and returned,dressed like Rambo and holding a Shotgun.

Now,back to Family Feud...

"Okay,The Silent Hill family is playing for the $10,000." Avatar said.

"I can finally buy a new apartment!" Henry said.

"Which one of you wants to go in the sound proof booth?" Avatar asked. Everyone on the team pointed to Heather.

"What? Why me?" She asked as she was dragged to the booth by the metro cops.

"Now,who wants to answer the questions?" Avatar asked again. Everyone on the team started pointing to themselves and yelling "me!".

"James Sunderland,your up." Avatar chose randomly.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww." Said the other members.

"Okay James,I'm going to ask you 5 questions we asked 100 people with 30 seconds to answer. Do you understand?" Avatar asked.

"Yes." James said.

"Name something you like to use as a weapon." Avatar asked.

"Iron pipe!" James said,which got him 10 points.

"Name someone you won't miss." Avatar asked.

"My wife!" James said,which got him 20 points.

"Name something a mental patient does." Avatar asked.

"Spews acid!" James said,getting no points.

"Name an animated film that wasn't cgi." Avatar asked.

"Uhhhhhh..._Secret of NIMH!_" James said,which got 50 points.

"Finally,name a non-violent game." Avatar asked.

"...I got nothing." James said,getting no points.

"Alright,now Heather has to win at least 20 points for the family to win." Avatar said as Heather was brought back.

"What the hell was wrong with that room? I couldn't hear anything." She said.

"Heather,I'm going to ask you 5 questions we asked-." Avatar started.

"Just get with the questions!" Heather said.

"Name something you like to use as a weapon." Avatar asked.

"Katana." Heather said,which got no points

"Name someone you won't miss." Avatar asked.

"Claudia." Heather said,which got no points.

"Name something a mental patient does." Avatar asked.

"Writes on walls." Heather said,getting her 10 points.

"10 more baby!" Her dad yelled from the stand.

"Name an animated film that wasn't cgi." Avatar asked.

"Uhhhh, _Dead Space:Aftermath_." Heather said,getting no points.

"What the hell? The was half animated!" Harry shouted from the stand.

"Finally,name a non-violent video game." Avatar asked.

"_The Bible game_!" Harry yelled from the stand.

"10 point deduction for outside help." Avatar said.

"What the fuck! What the hell is wrong with this damn show!" Harry yelled,smashing the stand with an iron pipe.

"Security!" Avatar yelled. The metro cops tried to subdue Harry,but he kept bashing them with his pipe.

"Uhhhhh..._Tetris_?" Heather said. No points showed up.

"See! This game is rigged! That is a non-violent video game!" Harry yelled as he smashed the skull of another metro cop.

"The judges are trying to confirm the-" Avatar started before he took a bullet to his shoulder.

"I've had enough!" Harry said as he pulled out his hunting rifle. Henry pulled out his Ax,James pulled out his Wooden plank,and Alex pulled out his Crowbar.

"Security! Secu-" Avatar yelled before Heather stabbed him with her Katana.

"Fuck this." She said.

"Come on,they probably keep the money this way!" Alex yelled,pointing. They ran backstage and down the hall. Several Metro cops stood in their way.

"Stand down immediately!" One shouted.

"GET EM!" Henry yelled as the Silent Hill gang charged at them. Henry sliced one's head open,James Bashed his,Heather stabbed hers,Alex pried open one's skull,and Harry shot his. After killing them all,they saw more cops trying to hold this door shut. Chris stuck his arm through it.

"I'M GONNA KILL THAT HOST!" He yelled. Harry and Henry killed the cops and let the Resident Evil characters in.

"Don't worry,I already did." Heather said.

"Did you guys lose too?" Jill asked.

"It was double rigged." Alex said.

"We're going to get the money,not just from this game,but all the games!" Harry said.

"Sweet! Now thats my kind of Game!" Chris said as he brandished his Ithica M37. Jill got her Px4,Leon whipped out his Striker,Claire pulled out her Bowgun,and Rebecca equipped her Grapple gun. They stormed down the hall,killing everyone in their path. They reached a huge vault.

"This must be it!" Harry said.

"Does anyone have a rocket launcher?" Chris asked.

"No worries." Alex said as he tried to pry the vault open,but broke his crowbar.

"Stand back." Jill said as she aimed her RPG at the Vault and fired at it,destroying it. They walked in to find,nothing.

"Where the hell is all the cash?" Leon yelled. They heard a loud honk. They all turned around to see a large truck that was driven by Kevin.

"So long,suckers!" He yelled as he drove away.

"That fucker!" Chris yelled.

Harry spied a tour guide cart with multiple carts behind it. He commandeered it and the others joined him on the rest. He drove out onto the street,running over a few pedestrians. They caught up with Kevin's truck, and all of them started firing their guns,even Harry with his pistol. Rebecca's grapple hook caught Kevin's bumper and dragged her along the street. It pulled her up to his truck and she climbed on top of it. Kevin was drinking a beer when Rebecca plopped herself on his windshield, Beretta 92F drawn.

"Holy shit!" He yelled.

He swerved to the right,throwing her on top of the tour carts. Fortunately,she had a clear shot at Kevin. She shot him in the neck and caused the truck to drive over the side of a bridge,into a nearby Cul de sac. Ed,Edd,and Eddy stood watching. It fell on it's side and the door to it's trailer fell open,and the money flowed out.

"WE'RE RICH!" Eddy yelled as he dove into it. "We can purchase the entire candy store with this!"

Unfortunately,Chris drove the Tour carts over the side of the bridge and landed right on top of Eddy. All the characters got out and started throwing the money in the air. Kevin's corpse just sat in the truck.

"We're rich! All of us!" Harry yelled as he started stuffing some dough in his pants. Meanwhile,Avatar was at the hospital.

"Join us again for another fun episode of Channel 13 soon. Hopefully I won't be in it." He said before he flat lined.

End.


	7. Dino Crisis Train

Chapter 7:Dino Crisis Train

I don't own any crap unless I say it's mine,get it through your skull.

A high grade military boat roared through the prehistoric waters towards a strange island. Regina (orange hair, purple suit with black vest), Dylan (blonde, pale Green suit with black vest), Rick (black skin and hair, purple t shirt and pants with black vest), Gail (white hair, white t shirt, urban camo pants and green vest), and David (brown hair,white muscle shirt, forest camo pants with suspenders and cowboy hat) were in the control booth.

"We'll reach the island in 30 seconds." Rick said.

"Thanks, we would be caught completely off-guard if it wasn't for you Rick." Regina said while applying lipstick while looking at a mirror.

"Didn't you 2 die?" David asked.

"We achieved the good ending at the end of the first _Dino Crisis_. We both survived, Kirk didn't." Gail said.

Dylan cleaned his shotgun.

"Reach the island in 3, 2, 1-" Rick said before the boat shook violently.

Regina smeared her lipstick all over her face. David was thrown violently around the room. Dylan blew out the window with his shotgun.

"There. We're here." Rick said,laying on the floor while raising his hand up.

"Damn it, My make-up is smeared again." Regina said.

There was a loud bang on the door.

"What is it?" David asked, shivering.

"I dunno. Maybe a DINOSAUR?" Regina said sarcastically.

"Enough! David, open the door on my signal. Everyone else, weapons ready, fire on my command." Gail said.

Regina pulled out her Handgun, Rick had his M16, Gail equipped his MP5, and Dylan pumped his shotgun. They all aimed at the door. David grabbed the latch. The scene showed a close-up of all their faces, as well as Regina's breast. Gail pointed at David, signaling him to open the door. David threw the door open, revealing a short green Pteranodon.

"La La loo!" It said.

Seconds later it's head exploded into a fountain of blood, spurred by Dylan's shotgun. Everyone looked at him.

"What? I thought that was the signal." He said.

Minutes later, everyone was out on the shore.

"I didn't know Pteranodons went 'la la loo'." David said.

"They don't! They must have learned to talk or some shit like that!" Rick said, typing on his wrist computer.

"Alright. David, you stay here and guard the boat." Gail said.

"Right o rooni!" David said, saluting.

"And don't use the time drive as a tanning bed again!" Gail yelled in David's face.

"Yessiree." David said.

"Now lets get out there and find Dr. kirk!" Gail said, pointing into the jungle.

"I thought Dr. Kirk was dead." Regina said.

"Oh...Then lets find the...magic...train...of time!" Gail made up.

"This is gonna be a long mission." Dylan said.

The team went into the jungle. Dylan was slicing vegetation out of the way with his Machete.

"If my hair gets ruined one more friggin time.." Regina said to herself.

"How much further to the magic train?" Rick asked.

"Oh uhh, Keep heading North!" Gail said, pointing South.

"Sir, I think you just made that train thing up." Dylan said, chopping a plant.

"What makes you say that?" Gail asked.

"Mainly because my objective screen says 'Reach Third Energy Reactor'." Dylan replied, pointing to the caption above them.

"My god! Someones been hacking our objective screen!" Gail gasped.

"Sir, theres no one else here that could do that." Rick said.

"I'll fix that!" Gail said.

He jumped up at the caption and tore it down. He rearranged the letters like this;

"Rech (sideways E)agic train"

"Sir, theres a lot of spelling errors in there." Rick pointed out.

Suddenly, Dylan accidentally chopped off the tail of Ermaraptor. It screeched in pain and the crew screamed. Dylan slashed at it's throat. It fell to the ground and Dylan chopped it up with his machete. Blood splashed all over his face.

"Well...I'm sure thats the only serious threat we'll encounter." Gail said.

Then a Larger green Pteranodon landed near them.

"Hello." It said.

Gail and Rick screamed and Jumped into Regina's arms. She dropped them to the ground and Dylan pinned the Pteranodon to a tree with his Anti-tank gun.

"I just wanted to invite you to lunch." It said weakly before Dylan shot it in the head.

"My god, they can talk! How the hell did they learn to do that?" Rick asked.

"Maybe they used 'Baby can read'." Dylan suggested.

"Alright, lets get to the train." Gail said.

The team progressed through the jungle. Meanwhile, back at the boat, David opened a can of beer.

"Damn, I wish they would bring back MADtv." He said before taking a sip.

"I second that." A small orange T-rex that suddenly appeared next to David said.

David screamed and held his arms in front of his face as he fell down.

"Don't eat me! I'm just a chef!" David screamed.

"I'm Buddy. What's your name?" The T-rex asked.

"Your not gonna eat me?" David asked.

"I only eat fish. And other species occasionally." Buddy muttered.

"Oh, I'm David." David said.

A small Green Pteranodon and a Cyan one flew down to the beach.

"AAAHHHH! Don't eat me!" David screamed as he fell down again.

"Don't worry. These are my sisters, Tiny and Shiny." Buddy said.

"Is he the one we're going to have for dinner?" Shiny asked before Tiny elbowed her in the gut.

"Your sisters are Pteranodons?" David asked.

"I was adopted by them." Buddy said.

"T-rexes can be adopted?" David asked.

"We also have a brother named Don. But we haven't seen him lately." Tiny said.

"What does he look like?" David asked.

"He's green and likes to say 'la la loo'." Tiny said.

David's eyes shrank. He glanced at the control booth of the boat. The rotting corpse of the Pteranodon was being devoured by the boat's rats.

"Nope, haven't seen him." David lied.

"Would you like some fish?" Buddy offered.

"Sure, I love tuna." David said.

The young dinosaurs led David back to their nest. Meanwhile...

Dylan punched the face of the captured Troodon. It was restrained by Gail. For some odd reason, it wore a conductor's hat and Vest.

"Are you ready to talk freak?" Dylan hissed.

"Why are you doing this?" The Troodon asked, crying.

Dylan punched him in the face again. Several of his teeth flew out along with massive amounts of blood. Regina sat in a chair. Her hair under one of those things they have in hair salons, reading a Rachael Ray magazine. Rick was playing on his Nintendo DS.

"Because you most likely know the location of the magic train!" Dylan yelled.

"What? You mean the Dinosaur train?" The Troodon said.

Dylan was about to punch him again before Gail stopped him.

"The train! Where is the train!" Gail yelled.

"It's by the station." The Troodon said before Dylan punched him again.

"Where is the station!" Gail hissed.

"That way!" The Troodon said, pointing.

"See? I told you there was a magic train!" Gail said.

"Please don't kill me! I have a family to support!" The Troodon cried.

"Alright buddy, your free to go." Gail said, letting him go.

"Thank you so much. I don't know what my wife would do if-" The troodon started in tears before Dylan blew his head off with his shotgun.

"Dylan! What the hell?" Gail yelled.

"What? We got what we wanted out of him." Dylan said.

"Fine, lets go." Gail said.

Regina took off her hair thing, revealing her new beehive style hair. They moved further down the forest. Suddenly, David jumped out of the foliage.

"Hi guy-" David started before he got his arm blown off by, you guessed it, Dylan's shotgun.

"Sorry. Thought you were a dinosaur." Dylan said.

"What the hell are you doing here? I ordered you to remain at the boat!" Gail hissed.

"I met some friendly dinosaurs. They want to meet you." David said.

"You fraternized with the enemy!" Gail hissed, holding his MP5 to David's throat.

"Actually sir, these dinosaurs don't seem all that hostile." Rick pointed out.

"The one you shot was actually the brother of one of the friendly ones." David pointed out.

"And that troodon that Dylan executed begging to live for his family's sake." Regina spouted.

"Hey, they both had it coming!" Dylan hissed.

"And the Pteranodon that you pinned who invited us to lunch." Rick added.

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! The dinosaurs might not be all that evil after all!" Gail yelled.

"Good! Now lets go meet our new friends." David said.

The happy Cowboy lead the team back to the Pteranodon nest. Buddy, Tiny, Shiny, and their mother were waiting there.

"Hello, David told us all about you." Buddy said.

"My God, it knows our names!" Dylan said as he raised his shotgun, But David pressed it down.

"So your not gonna eat us?" Rick asked.

"Of course not. We never eat our new friends." Buddy said, crossing his claws behind his back.

"You guys have any hair spray? My new look is getting damp." Regina asked.

"We were sent here by our government to locate a magical train. A friendly Troodon told us about it." Gail said.

"You must of met the Conductor. He's one of our best friends too." Buddy said.

"What a shame, because I-" Dylan started before Gail elbowed him in the gut. "Shit."

"You got here in time for our big celebration." The mother said.

"For what?" Gail asked.

"For our massive feast." Tiny said.

All of the humans except David got looks of fear in their faces.

"Don't worry guys, they don't mean us. They mean the fish." David said.

"Oh and I forgot to mention. We also have Human meat for dessert!" Buddy said, bearing his teeth.

"Don't worry guys, Buddy's just playing-" David said before he turned around and saw that the others fled. "Oh well, more us right?"

"Right." Buddy said as he lunged at and bit David's groin. David let out a loud scream and fell over as Buddy devoured him.

The rest of the team ran through the jungle.

"Damn it, I told you they were hostile!" Gail yelled.

"I knew I shouldn't have worn my High heels." Regina said.

"I think they're gaining on us!" Dylan said.

"No worries." Regina said.

She pulled out her Firewall sub-weapon and laid a barrier of fire behind them. "There, they'll never catch us now."

Then Tiny, Shiny, and Their mother dove at them from the sky. Tiny swooped past Regina's head, ruining her hair.

"You...Little...FUCKERS!" Regina yelled.

She pulled out her dual submachine guns and fired them while spinning around, peppering the sky with bullets. Tiny, Shiny and their mother fell down to the earth, riddled with bullet holes. Buddy caught up with the team and gazed upon the bodies.

"My family...NOOOO!" He screamed as he transformed into a full grown T-Rex.

"Awww shit." Gail said.

The Team continued running, Buddy in hot pursuit. Soon they saw a Train station in the distance. A train sat in front of it.

"Look! The Magic train!" Rick yelled.

"This fag is never going to let us reach it." Regina said.

"You go on, I will hold him off." Gail said.

"Good." Dylan said.

"I know it will not be easy to leave your captain behind, but you must!" Gail added.

"Alright, will you get on with it now?" Regina asked.

"Remember me, the way I once was!" Gail added.

"Oh my god, just GO!" Regina yelled, tripping Gail.

Gail looked up and saw Buddy staring down at him. Buddy grabbed Gail by his legs with his mouth. Gail shot at him with his MP5, but it just bounced right off Buddy. Buddy swung Gail into a tree. His MP5 went flying and his back broke. He did this several times before throwing Gail up in the air and swallowing him on the way down. He fell into Buddy's stomach. David's head was also there.

Meanwhile, the team reached the station. A Troodon with a gray hat was in the engine car. Dylan aimed his shotgun through the window and blew his head off. They climbed in.

"Rick, you start the engine while Dylan and I clear the cars." Regina ordered.

"I'm a computer expert, not an engineer." Rick complained.

Regina and Dylan entered the first car. A small Troodon in a conductor's hat stood before them.

"You bastards killed my uncle!" It yelled.

It ran up to Dylan's leg and sunk his teeth into Dylan's foot. It barely hurt and Dylan was unfazed. He lifted his leg that the troodon latched onto. The Troodon slipped off and Dylan stomped on it continuously, spraying blood on his face.

"First car secured." Regina said.

They went into the next car. It held 3 cabins. Regina and Dylan stood at the sides of one and breached it. It was empty. They breached the next cabin. There was a Female Troodon crying. Dylan blew her head off with his shotgun. They breached the last cabin, which was empty initially. Dylan walked in and Microraptor leaped on his face.

"AAAAAHHHHH! Get it off! Get it off!" He yelled, flailing his arms about.

Regina swatted the Microraptor with her Stun Gun. It fell to the floor and She blew it apart with her Handgun. With all the cabins clear, they proceeded to the next car. Meanwhile, Rick was struggling to get the train started.

"Damn it. Why don't they have prehistoric computers?" He asked himself.

He grabbed a shovel and started shoveling coal into the boiler. The boiler was not lit yet so Rick pulled out his Bic lighter. He held it into the boiler and the second it came on, fire sprayed out from the boiler, covering Rick in ash. The Train started moving finally. It was a miracle Buddy hadn't caught up with them yet.

Regina and Dylan stood in front of a tall green T-rex like dinosaur. It was so tall, it fit out the roof. It roared at them, blowing back Regina's hair again. Her face turned red and she pulled out her dual SMGs. Before she fired a single bullet, The Dinosaur's head exploded into so much blood that both Regina and Dylan were covered in it. Regina looked at Dylan and saw his smoking rocket Launcher.

They moved to the last car. Dylan ran headfirst into a glass window. It turns out it wasn't a car, it was an aquarium. There was a young Pleiosaur in it.

"Jeez, these Dinosaurs are certainly well accommodated." Regina said.

The Pleiosaur reached it's long neck out of the water and grabbed Regina's arm. "Ewww, it's slobbering on me! Kill it!"

Dylan climbed to the top of the tank and equipped his Solid Cannon. He shot a ball of electricity into the water. The Pleiosaur and Regina were Electrified from the blast. The Pleiosaur went limp and Regina's hair stood up.

"No need to thank me." Dylan said.

"Who said I'm thanking you?" Regina said before she clubbed Dylan in the head with her stun gun.

"At least we cleared the train." Dylan said.

Then Buddy jumped on the aquarium, smashing it.

"Awww shit." Regina said before she and Dylan ran back into the car with the cabins.

"Don't worry. He can't get in here." Dylan said.

Then Buddy slammed down through the roof. "Shit!"

They ran back another car. Rick was waiting there, still covered in ash.

"Guys! What the hell is going on?" He asked.

"That little freak is on the train!" Regina yelled.

"But I thought Gex was on Vacation." Rick said.

"She means the frigging T-rex!" Dylan yelled.

"Oh shit! What do we do?" Rick asked.

"...I got it!" Dylan yelled.

Dylan kicked Rick on the floor and he and Regina ran into the engine car. They slammed the door shut. Rick looked up and saw Buddy, looking down at him with his huge teeth. Before Rick could even grab his M16, Buddy ate him, along with part of the floor. He slid into Buddy's stomach, next to Gail.

"You get screwed too?" Gail asked.

"Yeah. I can't believe they left me behind. What did I do to them?" Rick asked.

"Well you didn't do much actually. All you did was sit around, typing on a computer." Gail said.

"I was restoring the power!" Rick said.

"Yeah, right. How hard could it be to restore power?" Gail asked.

"It's not as simple as you think!" Rick said.

"Actually it is. Just flip the main power switch, check that the power source is working and bam, power restored." Gail said.

"It's nothing like that!" Rick yelled.

"You were probably watching reruns of _All my Children_ or some crap like that." Gail said.

"Hey! That is a good show!" Rick yelled.

"It's just a bunch of endless drama." Gail said.

"Take that back you fuck!" Rick yelled.

Rick jumped at Gail. Gail threw David's head at Rick, which hit him in the face. Rick fell down and Gail tackled him and they started wrestling. Rick shoved his hand in Gail's face while Gail was trying to pull off Rick's ear with his hand. Gail punched Rick in the face. Rick threw Gail off and bit into his groin. Gail screamed.

Meanwhile, back on the dead Dinosaur train, Dylan blew off the coupling holding the engine car to the other cars, making them drift away. Regina and Dylan breathed a sigh of relief.

"So...How about a kiss for the hero?" Dylan asked.

"Ewwww. First off, your not the hero. I am. Second, never in a million years will I kiss that disease infested mouth of yours." Regina said.

"I could wear a condom on my mouth." Dylan said.

Before Regina could answer, a loud stomping sound was heard. They looked back and saw Buddy, sprinting towards them.

"He is one blood thirsty fruit loop." Dylan said.

"Stand aside. I'll handle this." Regina said.

Regina pulled out her Chain mine gun. She fired it, throwing 5 mines onto the track behind them. Buddy stomped on them, causing beautiful explosions. She blew away the smoke from it's barrel. Then she saw Buddy emerge from the smoke! Angry, she pulled out her Heavy Machine gun. She held down the trigger as it spewed big bullets at Buddy. They just bounced right off him, similar to Gail's MP5. She tossed it aside as she pulled out the one gun she hadn't used yet, The Missile Pod. With a single pull of the trigger, it fired 3 homing missiles. They hit Buddy one by one, making him recoil back and engulfing him in smoke.

Regina holstered the Missile pod. She turned away from Buddy and put her hands on her hips. Wind blew through her hair as the smoke in the distance grew. It was like one of those Victory scenes in _Bomber Man Generations_.

"Now whos the hero?" Regina asked Dylan.

"I think he is." Dylan said.

Regina turned around to see Buddy emerge from the smoke, still chasing them.

"Is he like a robot or something?" Regina asked.

"Looks like we have to execute plan 3." Dylan said.

"What! Are you crazy? I thought I told you never to use that unless it's an emergency!" Regina yelled.

"I think this is an emergency." Dylan said.

"Hell no, I won't permit it." Regina said.

"If you don't, your hair will be covered in his drool!" Dylan said.

Regina got a look of fear in her eyes.

"...Alright. Do it." She said.

Dylan pulled out a little red button and pressed it. Then, out of the sky, a small space ship zoomed above their train. A hatch on the side of it opened and 2 figures jumped to the train. One was a male in a black and white jumpsuit with brown hair. The other was a woman in a black and red jumpsuit with orange hair. They jumped down into the cabin with the others.

"Hi guys. It's nice to see you. We haven't been called for...you know what? You've never called us until now." The Man said.

"Yeah. It was cold and dusty in that ship. Me and Patrick just made out the whole time." The Woman said.

"Sonya, did anyone ever tell you that you look like Regina?" Dylan asked.

"Yeah, I got that a lot." Sonya said.

"Will you 2 failures stop chatting and kill that fucker!" Regina hissed.

"No prob." Patrick said.

Patrick and Sonya activated their jet packs and flew into the air. They fired at Buddy with their Heavy Vulcans. Patrick fired a Laser cartage at Buddy's long tail, slicing it off. Sonya deployed a juggernaut WASP, which was a small flying yellow device. It fired several energy blasts at Buddy, blinding his right eye.

"See? We're more useful than we look." Patrick said.

Buddy chomped on Patrick and Sonya while they were boasting. They slid into his stomach and were horrified to see Rick eating Gail's left arm. Gail's corpse sat in the corner, next to David's head.

"Ugggghhhhh. What the hell is wrong with you?" Patrick asked.

"I'm hungry. You guys want some?" Rick said, offering the arm.

"EEEwwww. Not after you took a bite out of it. I want a fresh piece." Sonya said.

Rick tore off Gail's other arm and gave it to Sonya, who started taking big bites out of it, splashing blood on her face.

"Can I eat his nuts? I love nuts." Patrick said.

"Sorry, I already ate them." Rick said.

Meanwhile back on the train, Buddy had almost caught up with the duo.

"Damn it,we hit him with everything we had." Dylan said.

"Not everything." Regina said.

"You mean?" Dylan asked.

"Yes, that method." Regina replied.

They both pointed their arms towards each other and shouted; "RESIDENT EVIL RIP OFF MODE!"

The Train they were on rose into the air. It glowed white and changed it's shape. When the light faded, the train had transformed into a UH-1 Huey. It turned to the side so it's open compartment faced Buddy. Regina and Dylan stood in it, both holding RPGs. They simultaneously fired their rockets, which flew in slow motion right into Buddy's head. His head exploded into blood and his decapitated corpse fell on the train tracks. Patrick poked his head through his neck.

"Hey guys, we're free! Guys?" Patrick asked.

He glanced back down into Buddy's stomach and saw Rick and Sonya, rolling around making love. "Oh well, might as well do something with this dead guy."

Patrick grabbed Gail's corpse and started making love to it. Meanwhile, the helicopter turned back into a train and shot through a tunnel.

"So...now can I have a kiss?" Dylan asked.

Dylan grabbed Regina around her back and by her ass. She whipped out her stun gun and swatted Dylan in the head with it. He fell down, stunned. Suddenly, the train shot through the exit to the tunnel and flew off a cliff. It spun and tumbled down, throwing Regina and Dylan around. When it finally landed, they were thrown from the vehicle. Regina looked around. They were in a meadow surrounded by large mountains. Trees and lakes could be seen in the distance.

"This doesn't look like 2011." She said.

"Hello." An Unknown voice said.

Regina and Dylan swung their guns towards the voice. They saw several small dinosaurs.

"I'm Littlefoot, what's your names?" The Brontosaurus asked.

Dylan and Regina lowered their guns and just looked at each other. Then they looked at the Dinosaurs and raised their guns again. The screen fades black as multiple gunshots are heard.

The end (until the next Dino crisis parody)


	8. Klegendary

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner. They include Legendary, Klonoa, Resistance,and others.

A man in a dark suit walked through the hallway of the New York museum. His name was Deckard, a profession art thief. He pulled out his PDA. He got several ads from Yahoo mail, which he deleted all. He looked at the map and found he was in the right area. He input the door's code on it's keypad and it didn't work.

"Fuck this." He said.

He elbowed the keypad and tore it's frame off.

"Hey you can't do that!" A voice said.

Deckard looked behind him and saw Dr. Right from _Simcity_. He held a pointer.

"You can not break a keypad and unlock it manually. You must find the code." He said.

"Who the hell are you? The Rule master of Video games?" Deckard asked.

"Yes actually." Dr. Right said.

Deckard snatched Dr. Right's pointer from his hand and stabbed it through his neck. Blood sprayed out from Dr. Right's neck as he fell to the floor, dead. Then he pushed these 2 wires on the keypad together and the door clicked. He opened and saw the thing he was after, A large golden box. Deckard went up to it and examined it. He got twittered from his phone, which told him to insert the piece he was given. He pulled it out, it was a small gold key with a red square in it.

"Who the hell owns this box? Mario?" He asked himself.

He inserted the key into the keyhole. A panel opened, revealing a hand icon.

"Place left hand here." It said.

"Something tells me I shouldn't do that. But then again, the Author says I should, and I don't want to fuck with him." Deckard said.

He placed his hand on the icon. The panel closed, trapping his hand in it.

"hmmm, must be an identification scanner." He said.

Then a frigging knife pierced his hand.

"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH! I've heard of tongue piercings, but I've never heard of a hand piercing!" He yelled.

A blast of purple-pink energy threw him back. His left sleeve was torn.

"Damn it, I just got this back from the dry cleaner." He said.

His hand glowed light blue. A beam of energy shot out from the golden box.

Meanwhile, outside...

"Alright buddy, hand over the dough!" Said a young man in a purple shirt,black shorts, and purple face bandana as he pointed a Beretta 92F at the face of a guy sitting on a bench.

"I wouldn't do that buddy." Said the guy on a bench, who wore a black hoodie with jeans.

"How come?" The man with the gun asked. (Hes the leader of the Saints if you didn't know).

The man in the Hoodie (Alex mercer from _Prototype_) stood up and grew a massive blade from his arm. He sliced the Saint's Leader in half.

"Fucking muggers, they ruin everyday." Alex said.

Suddenly, a massive beam shot through the roof of the museum. It opened some kind of vortex in the sky. Deckard stumbled out of the entrance.

"(Cough) (cough) Jesus. Haven't they heard of automatic sprinkler systems?" He said.

The beam exploded into more energy. People on the street panicked and started running around like maniacs. A big wave of energy plowed through the street, throwing various people (including The Black guy from _True Crime:New york city_ and Chris from _Freedom Fighters_) into the air. Then the energy took the shape of a hideous monster. It was a large green fat bunny like creature with yellow wings.

"What the hell?" Deckard wondered.

Chapter 8:Klegendary

The creature (a flying Moo from _klonoa_) Picked up a police car with it's feet and flew off with it. Another creature, one with a red top, white bottom and long tail with short ears (Zippoe) plowed through the various cars and civilians.

"Deckard! The main road has been destroyed! I'll meet you in the subway!" Vivian, a woman who's been helping Deckard, said.

"Sure thing bitch." Deckard muttered.

Suddenly, Deckard heard a loud roar behind him. He looked behind him and saw what looked like a giant onion on legs (gelg bolm). It split in half, revealing flowers inside it.

"What the hell? Is that like an egg thing that can hold stuff in it?" Deckard wondered.

Suddenly, the thing started charging towards him. Deckard turned tail and sprinted the opposite direction. Deckard dove through an open doorway. The Monster crashed into the wall and frame surrounding it.

"I thought I'd never run from an egg." Deckard said.

Then, all of a sudden, a strange four legged creature that was purple, yellow and red with what looked like horns on it's head (Slazza) stood in Deckard's path. It threw it's horns at Deckard, who ducked beneath them and got back up.

"Ha, You missed Me!" He said proudly.

Then the horns flew from behind and hit Deckard in the back. The Slazza exploded into blood as a shot rang out. A blonde woman in black with a desert eagle stood behind it.

"Deckard, thank god you made it!" Vivian said.

"Damn, are there any First aid kits in this game?" Deckard asked.

"Don't worry, you can heal yourself with the energy these monsters give off." She said.

She pointed to a small floating heart.

"No way, I'm not gay dude." Deckard said.

They went into the subway's control booth. Deckard grabbed a UMP40. Vivian typed on a computer console.

"I've sent out a distress signal to the black order's enemies." Vivian said.

The Black order was the foundation that hired Vivian and Deckard. It was lead by one Morgan Lefey. Suddenly, a man in a suit with white hair popped on the monitor.

"Vivian, I thought that shorthand looked familiar." He said.

"Lefey! You old bastard! You set us up!" Vivian yelled.

"Guilty as charged. I'm afraid you must die unfortunately." Lefey said.

"Why? Because I have vital information?" Vivian asked.

"No, Because I haven't completely established the fact that I'm evil yet." Lefey said before Deckard shot the monitor.

"What? Thats the first thing the player does when they see a hostile entity on TV." Deckard said.

The ceiling shook. Several holes were blown out. Strange creatures dropped in through rappels. They were black, with blue helmets, yellow feet, smiling teeth, green eyes, and large guns. Vivian watched through the window as they shot large spiked balls into the glass. Vivian broke through the remainder of the glass and nailed a few of them with her Desert Eagle. One of the creatures wandered close to Deckard. He aimed and pulled the trigger of his gun, it just clicked.

"Damn, I wish this gun held all the ammo in it's clip like in GAAAAAKAKKKKK!" He screamed in pain as a spiked ball hit his leg.

One of the creatures walked up to him and aimed it's gun at Deckard's face. He held his hand in front of his face. His hand shot a blue bullet at the creature and it inflated. Deckard moved his hand aside and saw the creature was now floating above his pierced hand.

"Whoa! Talk about overeating." He said.

2 of the other creatures shot some spiked balls at Deckard. Deckard threw the inflated creature at them and it exploded into blue energy that incinerated them.

"What the hell is this thing? A nitro injector?" Deckard asked, looking at his hand.

Suddenly, another hole burst through the ceiling. Soldiers in green uniforms and Black vests slid down a Rappel.

"My signal got through! Those soldiers are on our side!" Vivian said.

One of the soldiers pointed his UMP40 straight in Deckard's face.

"You have great judgment Vivian." Deckard said.

Another soldier slid down the rappel.

"Miss Vivian. Do you know why I shouldn't just shoot you and your friend right here and now?" The Man said.

"Because the game would only be 3 minutes long." Vivian said.

"Sir! Lefey has taken the box on top of the empire state building and is using it to control the monsters!" Another soldier said.

"Wow, that was fast." Deckard said.

"Alright, it looks like we can use you 2. I'm Lexington, the leader of the Council of 98." The man said.

Vivian and Deckard got in a Black Hawk helicopter and they flew towards the Empire State Building with a bunch of others.

"Thank god this isn't an official parody. I can't stand these retarded creatures." One soldier said.

Suddenly, a slender purple creature with a yellow ring around it smashed through one of the helicopter's windows and bit the soldier. The soldier was surrounded by electric bolts before Deckard split the monster's head open with his axe. The soldier fell on the floor dead.

"I hate cry babies anyway." Vivian said, filing her nails.

"We can't get any closer, they have anti-air defenses." The pilot said.

Deckard looked out the door. He saw strange little black things, with teeth and green eyes like the other ones. But these ones had green missile pods on their sides and had tracks instead of feet. They fired some Missiles at some of the other choppers, causing them to spin around and crash. Cpt. Foley and Pvt. Dunn from_ Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2_ crawled out of the wreckage of one of them.

"Defend this position! Defend this-" Foley started before he was tackled by a red fat bunny creature and eaten alive.

The Chopper dropped Deckard off at the entrance of the building. He ran inside, armed with an M249 SAW. He found himself in an eerie green lit atrium.

"Mr. Deckard. How nice of you to join us." Lefey said over the intercom.

"Drop the bad guy etiquette and come out like the old fart you are." Deckard yelled.

"Would you like to meet the head of the entertainment department?" Lefey asked.

"No." Deckard said.

"Splendid. Here they are." Lefey said.

"I said no! Have you lost your hearing old man!" Deckard yelled.

Suddenly, a shuttered doors opened. Deckard almost burst into laughter based on what he saw. There was an obese figure, wearing green, black and red clothing with a skirt. He had a long thin head with a flower on top and teeth in the neck.

"I am Leptio! The flower clown!" the Figure said.

Deckard stood there in silence with a smile on his face. Then he broke out into laughter.

"A fucking clown? Your kidding me!" He squealed.

"Do not mock the name of Leptio! I am the most powerful warrior in-" Leptio started before Deckard emptied 100 bullets into him.

The retarded clown fell over dead, riddled with bullet holes.

"Lets see how you handle my shock troopers!" Lefey taunted.

The doors of the elevator opened, revealing similar fat bunny like creatures that were green and had soldier helmets on. The marched towards Deckard. Using the weird signet on his hand, Deckard grabbed the first one with a little green projectile. It was inflated and Deckard threw it at the next. Then he snatched the other and threw it at the next. Then he repeated this action until they were all dead.

"You'll never reach me! The elevators are offline!" Lefey taunted.

Deckard saw some of the flying green bunny-like creatures lined up vertically, reaching all the way up to the upper levels. Deckard thought for a moment. He jumped up to the lowest one and grabbed it with his Signet. Then, before he fell, he jumped off it's head and leaped higher (yelling "woo hoo!" while doing it). Then he grabbed the next one with his signet and jumped off it's head. Then the next, then the next, then the next and so on until he reached the top. He looked over the edge of the railing and saw a massive pile of dead green bunny things.

"Oh well. They probably would have wanted that. Seriously, who would want to be a retarded green bunny?" He said to himself.

"Deckard, we have confirmed 6 hostages at your location. Save them before you proceed to Lefey." Lexington said over the Radio.

"Damn it! I hate those fucking escort missions!" Deckard said.

He proceeded down the hallway, in a complex of offices. He looked inside one office and saw something that almost fits in with everything hes seen today. He saw six bubbles with wooden shapes inside floating off the ground. He shot one with his Walther P99. A strange creature with black fur, blue pants and long ears came out of it.

"ありがとう、私は数週間のためにここに閉じ込められてきた!" It said, which was Japanese for "Thank you, I've been trapped here for weeks!".

Deckard didn't understand a word the thing said. He shot it through the head with his pistol. Suddenly, some Council soldiers came into the room with him.

"Deckard! Why did you shoot the hostage?" One of them asked.

"Wait, these are the hostages?" Deckard asked.

"Yeah, they're from the same place the other monsters came from." The soldier said.

"Oh I didn't kill him. Lefey did, before he ran off." Deckard lied.

"Damn that sick bastard! He'll pay for this!" The soldier said.

The soldiers escorted the other creature hostages to an LZ. Deckard proceeded to the roof, where Lefey hooked up the box to some strange antenna. It was surrounded by a pink energy field.

"Your too late Mr. Deckard! Soon the monsters will be under my control!" Lefey said from inside his control room.

"You can still stop it Deckard! You have to overload the energy field control panels!" Vivian said from inside her control room.

"Wait, how the hell did you get all the way up here? The elevators are out." Deckard asked.

"I took the stairwell." She said.

"There was a stairwell!" Deckard gasped.

Deckard put aside his obliviousness and went outside the control room. He saw some new monsters. These ones were yellow bunnies with shields. He shot them with his machine gun, but the bullets bounced off the shield. His signet didn't work on the shield either. He threw a grenade behind it. It dove away, leaving itself exposed as the grenade went off. There, Deckard grabbed it with his signet. He quickly ran to the console and set it to overload.

He went to the next console and saw another creature in his path. This one was short and covered in steel armor with 2 little eye holes and blue line running down the head. Deckard shot it with his pistol, but it's bullets bounced off it's armor. Then Deckard threw the first enemy at the armored one. The first one exploded and the armor flew off, revealing it to be a blue bunny-like creature. He grabbed it with his signet and set the next console to Overload.

He ran to the third one and saw another retarded creature. This one looked like a small round red cat with a black belt around it. It started flashing white. Deckard threw the current creature at it and it caused an actual explosion, like from a bomb.

"Damn, he hired suicide bombing cats?" He wondered.

He got to the next console and set it to overload. The force field's generators exploded and it went down.

"Damn you Deckard! I will make you pay for-" Lefey started.

Suddenly, a new creature broke into the room Lefey was in. It was black with red eyes, had a silver ring around it's waist, 2 spikes on it's head and a spike below floating in the air. It rammed Lefey, impaling him on one of it's head spikes.

"Damn irony." He said before dying.

"Deckard! You can destroy the box by throwing an explosive at it!" Vivian said.

Deckard grabbed one of the red cats with his signet and threw it at the box. It exploded and the box shattered, unleashing a massive wave of energy that knocked out Deckard.

"Deckard? Come on you freak, wake up!" Yelled a voice.

Deckard opened his eyes and saw Lexington and Vivian standing over him.

"You did it, the box is destroyed." Lexington said.

"Unfortunately, it's time for you to go home." Vivian said.

"What?" Deckard asked.

"You don't belong in this world, I brought you here." Vivian said.

"That can't be. I remember growing up on a farm." Deckard said.

"That was old footage from _Bioshock_ that I photo-shopped to look like you." Vivian said.

"NO! IT'S A LIE! IT'S A LIE!" Deckard screamed.

"I'm sorry, but it's true." Vivian said.

"I can't believe how upset you are over this." Lexington said.

"Not that! I just got twittered that the _Spyro_ movie has been canceled!" Deckard said, holding up his PDA.

"Anyway, now that the box is gone, it's time for you to go home." Vivian said.

"WUT? O.O!" Deckard said.

"To your own...New york city..." Vivian continued.

"T.T!" Deckard texted.

Suddenly, a large gray hole opened in the sky. Deckard was slowly drug along the floor, he tried crawling forward, but the hole's strength kept pulling him back.

"Vivian! Help me!" He yelled.

"Sorry, not much I can do." Vivian said while applying lipstick and looking in her pocket mirror.

Deckard was forcefully pulled into the air and sucked into the hole, which closed after inhaling him.

"Well...At least the monsters are gone." Lexington said.

As if on cue, a purple and yellow wasp with sharp mandibles crashed on Lexington and stabbed him repeatedly with them.

"Help..Me!" he said, blood pouring out of his mouth.

Vivian just ignored him and continued with her makeup. The wasp tore out all of Lexington's guts before doing the same to her.

Meanwhile...

Deckard slowly regained consciousness. He opened his eyes and looked around. It looked like New York city. He was on a rooftop and the sun bathed everything in a golden color.

"You alright buddy?" A voice said.

Deckard looked to his left and saw a man in a black military uniform. He was bald and had gold eyes. He held some kind of Rocket launcher.

"Uhh, yeah. If you define alright as being told everything you knew was a lie and thrown away like a toy" Deckard said.

"Hmmm, I actually feel like thats it's real definition." The man said.

"Am I in New York city?" Deckard asked.

"Yep, it's under attack though." The man said.

"Awwww Man! I thought I destroyed the damn things!" Deckard whined.

"Really? You defeated the Chimera?" The man asked.

"Chimera? No, I mean the retarded bunny things!" Deckard said.

"Okay..." The man replied.

Suddenly, a loud stomping noise was heard. A massive creature towering up to the building the men were on took a position in front of them. It was gray-brown and had orange eyes. It's upper torso was thick with bits of shell.

"OH SHIT!" The man yelled.

The man aimed his Rocket Launcher at the beast's head. The beast opened it's gargantuan mouth and roared at an enormous level. Deckard covered his ears as the man fired a rocket into the creature's mouth. It recoiled in pain as the rocket exploded in it's mouth.

"Oh fuck, I'm out of Rockets." The man said.

Deckard suddenly saw something familiar. It was the red cat thing. Using his signet, he grabbed and inflated it. The monster opened it's huge mouth again. As it began to roar, Deckard tossed the inflated red cat into the beast's mouth. The beast closed it's mouth and swallowed. Seconds later, a massive explosion ripped through it's chest, blowing a large hole in it. The creature began to lose it's balance.

Meanwhile, on the ground, a man in a black and silver nanosuit (Alcatraz from _Crysis 2_) put a bullet into the head of a merc with his SCAR.

"No one can stop me. My suit is indestructible!" He said.

Then he was crushed by the lifeless beast, who toppled on him.

"It still hurts though." He said weakly, his arm sticking out from under the beast.

"Amazing! How the hell did you do that?" The man in black asked.

"Some weird magic I guess." Deckard said.

"I'm Nathan Hale, SRPA. What's your name?" The man asked.

"Deckard, Professional Art Thief." Deckard said.

"I owe you one Deckard. Wanna head back to base for some drinks?" Hale asked.

"Hell yeah! Thats the first good thing I've heard all day." Deckard said.

And so they walked off into the sunset, and would continue to battle monsters until he was needed elsewhere...

Meanwhile, in a small wooden house...

"So what did you guys think about my fanfic?" A black creature with long white tipped ears, blue hat with pac-man symbol, red shoes, blue vest and blue pants asked his friends.

"It was...different." Said a girl with pointed ears, pink hat and shirt with black pants said.

"It made no sense at all! What the hell were you thinking?" Said a short dog like creature with tan skin, green eyes, claws and red neck scarf said.

"I based it on my early life, when I was thrown away from Phantomile." The black creature said.

"With an art thief, a cruddy city, guns, a box and some old douchebag named Lefey? Are you slipping Klonoa?" The dog asked.

"I wanted to add some variation to it." Klonoa said.

"Where did you get the ideas for it?" The girl asked.

"I stole it from this corny game called _Legendary_." Klonoa said.

"That's plagiarism!" The dog said.

"No it isn't, it's recycling. There's a difference Popka." Klonoa said.

"You are the most mentally challenged person I've met!" Popka yelled before storming out of the house.

"Well at least someone likes it. Right Lolo?" Klonoa asked.

"...I've got to get back to work." Lolo said before storming out of the house.

"Fine! I'm gonna make this into a movie and become rich! You won't get anything!" Klonoa yelled.

Suddenly, another giant monster identical to the one Hale fought toppled on the house Klonoa was in, killing him. Oh well, he's got extra lives right?

"Sorry!" Deckard yelled.

End...

**I could really use some reviews for my Bio-Jock story, I can't proceed without them! Hope you enjoyed this short parody, have a frigging nice day, and let me introduce my new catchphrase, SLACKERS!**


	9. When games become educational

Channel 13

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner. It includes Call of Duty, Resident Evil, Grand Theft Auto, and Silent Hill.

Chapter 9: When video games become educational

We've all seen those children's video games that are supposed to teach them about crap in an appropriate manner, but they've never made anything like that for mature gamers. Well that's all about to change right now.

Call of Duty:World at war-history

A soviet soldier in a long brown trench coat with fur hat and another soldier in a simple green uniform and helmet ran into the remains of a destroyed building in Berlin. They sat down and took cover.

"It is fortunate we have not encountered any tanks yet, Dmitri Petrenko." The one in the trench coat said.

"That's because they have no fuel for them, Viktor Reznov." Petrenko said.

"Really?" Reznov asked.

"Yes, during the last days of the Reich, Germany was very scarce on resources." Petrenko pointed out.

A German soldier stepped into the doorway of the destroyed building with a strange SMG. He screamed at the Russians before being cut down by Reznov's and Petrenko's PPSH-41's.

"In fact, they didn't even have enough resources to make proper weapons." Petrenko continued.

Petrenko picked up the German's SMG. It consisted of a bullet ejector, barrel, clip below ejector, grip and thin metal stock. It was very thin and light.

"Take this gun for example. They used whatever they had left to make it. Some were even made out of wood." Petrenko added.

"They must have been real desperate." Reznov said.

"Indeed they were. So desperate, they actually gave weapons to civilians to help them fight." Petrenko added.

"That explains those children we massacred at the square." Reznov said.

A Soviet Commissar came up to them. He wore a long black trench coat.

"What are you 2 cowards doing here conversing about history? Get back in the fight or I'll have you shot!" He said.

"Boy, he is angry." Reznov said.

"Most commissars were. In fact, they did have many of their own men killed for not following orders." Petrenko said.

"That does it!" The commissar yelled.

He pulled out his Nagant revolver and shot both Reznov and Petrenko through the chests.

"I can't believe we're dying." Reznov said.

"The Soviets suffered the greatest losses during the war actually." Petrenko said.

"Really?" Reznov asked.

"25,000,000." Petrenko said before he died.

"I wish I actually went to school." Reznov said before he died.

Resident Evil-Science

Jill Valentine (Orange hair, blue pants, sky blue shirt, blue shoulder pads and blue berate) entered a laboratory of some sorts in the mansion she was in. There were various chemicals stored in bottles on the shelf. She looked at a manual on the table.

"Warning! Before beginning any science experiment, always wear safety goggles, gloves and follow instructions carefully!" It read.

Jill put on a pair of plastic gloves and goggles. She saw something scratched on the wall.

"1+3=4. 4+6=10. 1+6=7. 10+7=17. 17+3=20." It said.

Jill looked back at the manual.

"To create the anti herbal chemical known as V-JOLT, combine a sample of VP-017 with UMB no.3." It read.

Jill looked around the lab. She saw a container of UMB no.3, but no VP-017.

"How the fuck am I supposed to make this without any Vp whatever it's called?" She asked herself.

"To make VP-017, combine UMB no.10 with UMB no.7." The manual read.

"There isn't any of that shit around here!" She yelled.

Jill drew her Beretta 92F and pumped a few rounds into the manual.

"Alright, I can figure this out." She said to herself.

She tried to pick up an empty bottle, but her inventory was filled with weapons, ammo and herbs. She made a trip back to the last save room and dumped some of them in the item chest. When she returned, she picked up 2 empty bottles.

"Alright...What the hell, I'm just gonna throw some random shit in these bottles and hope they burn that damn plant." She said to herself.

She went over to this large jar of yellow liquid and filled her bottle with it. Then she filled the other with this red liquid. Then, she pour a single drop of the red liquid in the yellow liquid and the whole frigging mansion exploded. A man in brown pants, white shirt and red vest stepped in front of the explosion.

"And that's what happens when you carelessly mix random chemicals. If Jill had read the manual more carefully, she would have found the correct way to make V-JOLT. So always remember to follow instructions exactly. I'm Barry Burton and I say-" Barry started before a zombie dog tackled him.

Grand Theft Auto 4-Math

A man in a brown jacket, tan shirt, and blue pants walked up the the driver's side of a car.

"Hello kids. I'm Niko Bellic. Today, I'm gonna teach you some math techniques. First of all, velocity. The speed an object travels. Take my elbow. How much Velocity would it take to shatter this car's window?" Niko asked.

He slowly pushed his elbow against the window.

"You see? When I moved it slow, it doesn't even scratch the window. But when I do it like this!" He said as he smashed it with his elbow. "It finally breaks."

Niko unlocked the door and got in the car. He hot wired it and drove down the road. A police car chased after him.

"Uh oh! It's the fuzz! This brings us to our next lesson, Multiplication. That police car has 2 policemen in it. It takes 4 shots from my Glock 17 to kill them. Therefore, it's 4 bullets for each cop. 2 times 4. How many bullets do I need?" Niko asked.

"8!" yelled a bunch of dinosaur toddlers in diapers.

"Thats right!" Niko said.

Niko shot the cop on the right with 4 shots. He fell out of the window and was run over by the car behind them. Then he fired 4 shots into the driver. The police car drove right into a propane shop, which exploded. Niko laughed as he looked in his rear view mirror. Then he looked in front of him and crashed into a guardrail. He flew through the windshield and onto the boardwalk below. He painfully got up.

"Ouchie. I guess I should have kept my eyes on the road. I had 100 health points before that miserable accident, now I only have 25. How many health points did I lose?" Niko asked.

"75!" the diapered dinosaur toddlers yelled.

"Thats right! To restore my health, I need to find a med kit or food vendor. Theres one over there." Niko said.

He limped his way over to a nearby hotdog cart.

"How much for one of those?" Niko asked, blood spurting out of his chest.

"20 bucks." The guy said.

"20 US dollars! Are you fucking serious! Yesterday, they were only 5 dollars!" Niko yelled.

"I need to make more profit." The guy said.

"Fine. I have 200 dollars. The hot dog costs 20. How much money will I have left, kids?" Niko asked.

"180!" The toddlers said.

"Thats right!" Niko said, his shirt stained with blood.

Niko gave the money to the guy. The guy gave him a hot dog. Niko bit into it and the wounds disappeared. Then he pulled out his Glock 17 and shot a hole right through the guy's forehead. Niko grabbed the money he dropped.

"Remember kids, you can also get your money back by killing the dealer!" He said.

Niko jogged down the boardwalk. He entered a condemned building. There was a black man in a brown jacket, brown pants and sunglasses inside. Tied down on a table was a guy in black pants, blue green jacket and gray mustache.

"Yo Niki." The black guy said.

"Hello Little Jacob! It's a wonderful day isn't it!" Niko asked.

"Yeah, but I got a problem. A friend of mine wants to cut Vlad here into separate pieces. His feet, legs, arms, torso and head. I don't know how many boxes I need to put all this in." Little Jacob said.

"Don't worry, let's count and see. Vlad has 2 feet, 2 arms, and 2 legs. But only has one torso and one head. 2+2+2+1+1." Niko said.

"I'll show you how many feet I have after I shove them up your ass!" Vlad yelled.

"How many is all that?" Niko asked.

"Your fucking mother!" Vlad yelled.

"8!" The toddlers yelled.

"That's right! We need to cut Vlad into 8 pieces and place them in 8 boxes!" Niko said.

"Thanks Niki! Can you cut Vlad for me?" Little Jacob asked.

"Of course. That's all for this mission, see you toddlers on the next!" Niko said.

Niko picked up a chainsaw and revved it up The screen fades to black just as the chainsaw hits Vlad's neck.

Silent Hill 3- Reading

Heather Mason (blonde hair, white vest, orange shirt, green skirt) walked down the rusted hall of the Hilltop center. She came to a strange monster blocking the hall. It had a weird funnel that shook rapidly and I really can't describe the rest of the body because it looks like something you'd see in a _Silent Hill_ game. There was a portion of a book on the floor. Heather kneeled down to look at it.

"I can't read, you read it." She said.

One of the diapered dinosaur toddlers, a female yellow one, from the last scene ran up to the book and read it.

"Once upon a time, a monster blocked the gate of this peaceful village. No body could get out so the king of the village sent his guards to remove the creature. Unfortunately, the creature ate them. The king asked the local village witch for help. She marched up to the gate." The toddler said.

"Then what?" Heather asked.

"I don't know, that's all there is to read." The toddler said.

"Then let's find the rest of it." Heather said.

Heather grabbed the toddler's hand and dragged her into the next corridor. A Slurper (short, suction cup hands and feet, snout) crawled towards them. The toddler clung to Heather's leg.

"Don't let the monster eat me!" She begged.

"No sweat. I can't read, but I can kill." Heather said.

Heather whipped out her Uzi and peppered the slurper with bullets. It lay on the floor, coughing up blood. Heather walked beside it and stomped on it's throat, crushing it. Heather dragged the toddler into the staircase, where they found another part of the book.

"The village witch pleaded to the monster to leave and let the people live in peace. However, the monster just laughed at her and stabbed her with one of his massive claws. The villager's mourned her loss." The toddler read.

"Then what!" Heather demanded.

"The rest of it is missing." The toddler said.

"Damn it! Who the fuck leaves random children's book pages lay around a building?" Heather asked.

Suddenly, a blood covered dog with a split head (double head) sunk it's teeth in the toddler's left leg. Heather equipped her Spiked Maul and slammed it down hard on the dog's head. The toddler's leg was bleeding profusely. Tears rolled from her eyes. Heather reached into her vest and pulled out a brown bottle with a first aid symbol on it.

"Don't worry, this stuff will heal anything!" She said.

She took off it's cap and poured the liquid on the Toddler's wound.

"It burns!" The toddler screamed.

"Warning, do not pour on open wound." Heather read off the label.

Heather shoved it in the toddler's mouth and forced her to drink it. The bleeding stopped.

"Let's hurry up and find the rest of that book. _Teletubbies_ begins in half an hour." Heather said.

They left the staircase and eventually came to a break room. There was a gray table in the center with an ash tray with several cigarette's that were still smoking. Heather grabbed one and took a puff of it.

"I thought you quit." The Toddler asked.

"I got real drunk." Heather said.

Heather moved to one side of the table and found the rest of the book. The toddler came over to it.

"The villagers tears brought about a magical power, which brought the witch back to life. The witch then returned to the beast at the gate and said: Your evil ways will hurt this village no more! She then chanted these magical words: Scibidy whack hack. And the monster was engulfed in flames. Unfortunately, the fire caused many of the villager's homes to burn down, but the beast was slain. The witch broke open a bottle of champagne and the villager's drank until the beer keg ran out. The end." The toddler read.

"That's it? What a shitty story." Heather said, puffing smoke.

"Maybe the magic words will kill that monster." The toddler said.

"Maybe. Shitidy crack black." Heather chanted.

"No. It's scibidy whack hack." The toddler corrected.

"squiddily grack sack." Heather chanted.

"Say it with me. Scibidy whack hack." The toddler said.

"sci-bidy...whack...hack." Heather said slowly.

A painful growl was heard outside. The duo went back to where the monster was, and it was gone.

"Thank god. Now I can go home!" Heather said.

"Before you do, could you change me? I got really scared when that dog bit me." The toddler asked.

"...No way. I'm not touching any diapers." Heather said, walking away.

And there are even more subjects that I haven't even covered yet! Keep watching Channel 13 for future expansions to this chapter.

**Now give me some reviews you SLACKERS!**


	10. Wheel of fortune 1

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner. I do own Alex.

A green HUMMV drove down the long stretch of road. Inside, Soap (black shirt, green vest, jeans), Ghost (Zombie scarf, olive shirt, olive vest, green pants) Price (cowboy hat, blue sweatshirt, green camo pants) and Roach (black hair, olive shirt, green vest, black pants) were it's occupants, with Price driving.

"Are we there yet?" Soap asked, who was sitting in the front seat.

"For Christ's sake, NO! Stop asking me every fucking minute!" Price yelled.

"Why are we going to the Rocky mountains and not Jerusalem like we planned?" Ghost asked

"Jerusalem is full of Muslims. They kill any American they see." Price said.

"Aren't we British?" Roach asked.

"And isn't Jerusalem controlled by Israel?" Soap asked.

"We're going to the rocky mountains and that's final!" Price yelled. "Good, it's 12:00 PM, my shows on."

"You have cable in this car?" Soap gasped.

"Yeah, why else would it have a satellite dish?" Price asked.

"Why didn't you turn it on 5 hours ago!" Roach gasped.

"Because there was nothing good on." Price said.

"What the hell do you think is good?" Soap asked.

Price turned on the monitor in the center of the dashboard. Wheel of Fortune came on.

"The Game show network! Theres no way I'm watching that!" Ghost yelled.

Chapter 10: Wheel of Fortune

A short red anthropomorphic dinosaur in a suit walked out on a blue stage background with a wheel and letter board.

"Hi, Alex here. It's another retarded Game show parody." Alex said.

The first contestant wore a green army Jacket and berate. He was old, had a cigarette in his mouth and wore brown pants, his name was Bill (from _Left 4 dead_). The second contestant wore gray pants, black and red jacket, and had very short black hair, Paxton Fettel from _F.E.A.R_. The last contestant was a woman with brown hair with ponytail, cyan tanktop, massive breasts, short brown shorts, dual pistols, and brown backpack, Lara Croft from _Tomb Raider_.

"Alright, we've all seen the real episodes of this show so we all know the rules." Alex said.

The letter board had 5 spaces on it. A woman in blonde hair and blue dress stood next to it.

"Alright, Bill's first. No smoking by the way." Alex said.

"The cigarette stays." Bill said, blowing smoke into Alex's face.

"Fine. Guess the word or spin?" Alex asked.

Bill spun the wheel, which spun for a whole minute before stopping on 500.

"Guess a letter or buy a vowel?" Alex asked, bored.

"Buy a, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! ZOMBIES!" Bill shrieked.

He pulled out an Uzi. Everyone in the set ducked as he emptied it's mag into the audience, killing several civilians.

"What the hell was that for?" Alex asked.

"Sorry, flashback." Bill said.

"If there weren't only 3 players, I'd throw your ass out of here. Which Vowel do you want?" Alex asked.

"Uhhhh, C." Bill said.

"A Vowel!" Alex said firmly.

"C isn't a Vowel? Damn, I wish I finished school." Bill said.

"Can you hurry it up? I'm not here just to be a sex object." Lara said.

The camera zoomed on her massive hooters.

"I'm growing tired of waiting to participate in this childish competition." Fettel said. "I'm also quite hungry."

"Vowels include A, I, E, O, and U." Alex said.

"Vowels include me?" Bill asked.

"...I'm just going to assume you said A." Alex said.

An A appeared on the 4th place on the board.

"Finally. Now on to you Fe-" Alex started.

There was noone in Fettel's position.

"Where's Fettel?" Alex asked.

A loud scream was heard. Alex looked in the audience and saw Fettel biting into the neck of one of the watchers. Blood covered his mouth and created a large puddle on the floor.

"Fettel!" Alex yelled.

"I am hungry." Fettel said.

"Well wait until the commercial break. Would you like to spin or guess a letter?" Alex asked.

"F." Fettel said before taking another bite.

An F appeared on the first spot on the board.

"Okay, Lara, spin or guess?" Alex asked.

Lara spun the wheel and it landed on Bankrupt.

"Oohhh, too bad." Alex said.

Suddenly, Lara pulled out her 2 pistols and shot bullet holes into the Bankrupt space in the shape of 1000.

"I'd like to buy an E." She said.

"I'm afraid that's against the rules." Alex said.

Lara shot Alex's belt buckle, causing his pants to fall down, revealing his diaper.

"I said, I'd like to buy an E." She said, pointing her guns at his groin.

"Okay, an E." Alex nervously said.

Alex was annoyed as hell when he turned around and saw Fettel eating the woman in the blue dress.

"Damn it! Fettel, will you please stop eating everyone!" Alex asked.

"I am still very hungry." Fettel said, biting her finger off.

Alec reached into his jacket and pulled out a Kit Kat bar, which he shoved in Fettel's hands.

"E." Alex said, aggravated.

An E appeared on the 3rd place on the board.

"Okay, back to Bill." Alex said

Alex's stress level exploded when he saw Bill laying on the wheel and spinning it around like it was a ride.

"We're going down!" Bill yelled.

"Will you get the fuck off that!" Alex yelled.

Bill continued to spin on it. Alex stomped over to the wheel and flipped the wheel over. Bill crawled out from under it.

"Guess a letter or spin?" Alex asked angerly.

"I'd like to spin again!" Bill said.

"The wheel is broken you old toad." Alex said.

"Oh, I'd like to guess...Texas." Bill said.

"Wrong, the word isn't Texas." Alex said.

"No, I mean Texas is the guess for the question." Bill said.

"There are no questions!" Alex yelled.

"Then how do we win the game?" Bill asked.

"By guessing the word." Alex said patiently.

"Oh, okay. I think it's fetus." Bill said as the "wrong" buzzer blared.

"That's 6 letters. Alright, Fettel-" Alex started before he let out a massive screech.

He looked behind him and saw Fettel taking bites out of his tail. Blood covered his chest and the bones in Alex's tail could be seen along with interior tissue. Alex grabbed his tail and pulled it away from Fettel, which was extremely painful.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Alex yelled.

"That bar did not taste satisfying. Your tail is the most wonderful thing that has ever touched my tongue." Fettel said, licking blood off his lips.

"That does it. Your out of the game!" Alex yelled, cradling his tail.

"Hmph. This competition was pointless anyway." Fettel said, walking off the set.

"Alright, cue to commercials. I hate this fucking game so much. I said go to commercials you fucktard!" Alex yelled.

A man was walking down a dark tunnel. He wore olive green body armor and a black mask with red goggles. He was holding an RPL submachine gun. Suddenly, his chest mounted flashlight went out.

"Out of power again? You fucking cheap razor!" He yelled in frustration.

He plucked it off his chest and threw it on the ground.

"Tired of waiting for you cheap 5 second flashlight to recharge?" A voice said.

"AAAHHHH! Who said that!" The man yelled, spraying the tunnel with bullets.

A small subway car smashed through the wall of the tunnel. A man in a black shirt, blue jeans, brown gloves and gas mask stepped out.

"Replace that gay ass battery with the new Charytom." The man said, holding up a device.

"The what?" The soldier asked, pointing his gun at him.

"I'm Arytom from _Metro 2033_. Growing up in the subway can be tough. Using bullets as currency, using ticket booths as restrooms, making shotguns out of the plumbing. But one thing we do know how to do is how to make a better flashlight battery! Using magnets in a spool of wire, the Charytom can increase your battery's power by a shitload. All you have to do is press the trigger 17 times!" Arytom said.

"I thought you said we wouldn't have to wait for it to recharge." Said a man in a different cave, wearing a red snow jacket and blue pants, holding a flashlight.

"I thought you said we wouldn't have to wait for it to recharge." Arytom mocked from a nearby shipping container.

The subway car smashed through the container.

"You don't have to wait for it to recharge! You can charge it yourself with the Charytom!" Arytom yelled.

Arytom shoved the Charytom into the man's hands. He hooked it up to his flashlight and pressed the trigger several times. The flashlight's bulb exploded. The subway car now smashed into a small castle hallway where there was a man in a white shirt and brown pants, holding a lantern.

"The Charytom also works on other lighting devices!" Arytom said.

"Oh this lantern doesn't need a battery, it uses oil." The man said.

"You'll use the Charytom!" Arytom yelled, shoving it in the man's other hand.

The man hooked it to his lantern and after pressing the trigger, electrocuted himself and fell down paralyzed.

"Oh well, who uses lanterns anymore? This is 2011." Arytom said.

"Alright, this thing looks like a piece of junk." The soldier said.

"Use it and you'll love it!" Arytom said.

The soldier plugged it in to his flashlight and pulled the trigger. The flashlight burnt out.

"So next time your flashlight runs out, use-" Arytom started.

The soldier grabbed Arytom by the neck and pressed his RPL machine gun against his stomach. He pulled the trigger on it and emptied 50 bullets into Arytom's body, spraying blood and entrails everywhere. He fell to the ground, barely alive.

"The... Charytom...available at your local...department...store." He croaked before closing his eyes for the last time.

"Jeez. And I thought Alma was bad." The soldier said.

And now back to wheel of fortune. Fettel was gone, Alex had a long bandage on his tale, and Bill now had a weird red aura around him.

"Alright sugar tits, your move." Alex said.

Lara spun the wheel and it landed on 300.

"I'm guessing...I." She guessed, then the buzzer rang.

"Sorry, I is not on the board." Alex said.

"Did I say I? I meant R." Lara said.

"Sorry, you can only guess once." Alex said

Lara pointed her pistol at him.

"Fine, R." He said.

An R appeared on the 2nd spot on the board.

"Bill, if you give me a retarded answer one more frigging time, I will shove that cigarette in your eye!" Alex threatened.

"Do not worry. I would like to guess the word." Bill said in a voice strangely similar to Fettel's.

"Fine, shoot." Alex said

A bullet whizzed by, barely missing Alex's head.

"Sorry, safety wasn't on." Lara said.

"The word is freak." Bill said.

The last letter was revealed as K and the word was indeed freak.

"Holy shit. I can't believe you turned this around." Alex said.

"Ugrh. May I have my prize money so I may depart now?" Bill said, holding his chest.

"But we still have to get through the bonus round." Alex said.

"I don't have time for that." Bill said.

Bill's skin started turning purple with big lumps all over his face.

Are you al-" Alex started.

Bill exploded into bloody chunks, spraying Alex, Lara, and the set with blood. Fettel was standing in Bill's place.

"What the? I thought you didn't want to play anymore!" Alex said.

"I needed the money." Fettel said.

"What the hell would you need money for?" Alex asked.

"...I was going to bribe WB to make another _Fear_ where I make a comeback." Fettel said.

"Well you were disqualified, so you can't get the money. And since Bill is just a memory, Lara wins." Alex said.

Lara took off her tank top and spun it around as the audience cheered.

"Hopefully, I won't join you on the next Wheel of Fortune." Alex said.

A red energy blast hit the floor in front of Alex. Fettel shot another out of his hand and hit Alex on his tail. Alex screeched in pain and ran off the stage, Fettel in pursuit.

Price turned the TV off.

"Can't you get any other channels on this thing?" Soap asked.

"No." Price said.

"Can we pull over? My ass is aching." Roach asked.

"Just sit on an ice pack or something" Price said.

"I've been sitting on an Ice pack! I can't even feel my ass anymore." Roach said.

"Then take out the ice pack, genius." Price said like he was talking to a 5 year old.

"Oh, that's much better." Roach said.

"Turn on the Radio." Ghost said.

"I was hoping you'd say that." Soap said.

"Don't touch anything!" Price hissed.

"I'm just turning on the radio." Soap said.

"The radio is over there! Your adjusting the air conditioning!" Price yelled.

"What about this?" Soap asked.

"That's the seat adjustment." Price said.

"Oh, good. I was getting a cramp on this thing." Soap said.

Soap adjusted his seat so his chair was leaning back on Ghost.

"Damn it, lift it up!" Ghost yelled.

"I'm trying! The button isn't working!" Soap said, pressing the button.

"Don't press it like that!" Price yelled.

The chair suddenly pulled back and pressed Soap against the dashboard.

"Somebody get this thing off me!" Soap grumbled.

"Why didn't I just go alone!" Price yelled in frusteration.

The end.

**Who knows what will happen next on The Call of Duty gangs vacation. Now review you SLACKERS!**


	11. Drawn to Halflife

All Copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**Don't you hate computer errors? I sure as hell do. Lately, my computer just completely freezes for like half an hour for no fucking reason! To pass the time, I read some of my latest Redwall novel, High Rhulain (Which I admit is not as good as the first 6 I read). I uninstalled 4 programs and even uninstalled some of my games in a vain attempt to rid myself of this menace. Yet no avail. I've tried 2, 2 registry cleaners and windows repair and they weren't any help either! I just wanna take my computer and smash it on the floor! Minutes before writing this, I was trying to create a backup on a disk to reboot the whole damn thing and hopefully kill the damn freeze, yet the stupid backup thing keeps getting errors! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH! And another thing, this one game I got, Nocturne, doesn't work on my computer either. And theres the Battlefield 2 collection, where 90 percent of the maps can only be played while on the internet which is fucking bullshit because I use a limited data plan. Lets face it folks, computers are fucking assholes.**

A man in an Orange and black Hazmat suit awoke on a small tram. He had brown hair, beard and glasses. In front of him, there was a man in a black suit. His face was old, his eyes were green and his hair was black. He held a suitcase in his right hand.

"So what is your choice mister Freeman?" The guy in the suit said as he straightened his tie.

"What choice?" The guy in the Hazmat suit said.

"Will you join my business or not?" The man in the suit said, straightening his tie again.

"What is your business?" Freeman asked.

"That is information that I cannot disclose." The man in the suit said, again straightening his tie.

"Then no." Freeman said.

"Mr. Freeman, I assure you that my business is far more pleasant than the alternative." The man in the suit said.

"Continue working at Black Mesa?" Freeman asked.

Suddenly, Freeman found himself in a location he had just visited. It was an alternate dimension with a green sky and flesh like ground. He was surrounded by seventeen aliens he encountered earlier. The worst part was that He lost his guns!

"Alright! Alright! I'll work for you!" Freeman screamed into the air.

Freeman suddenly found himself back on the tram with the creepy guy who looked like he was dead.

"I knew I could count on you Mr. Freeman." The guy said.

"Who the fuck are you anyway? I saw you all over the place at Black mesa." Freeman asked.

Before he got an answer, Freeman blacked out.

Meanwhile, in some weird alternate dimension...

A strange little creature sat on her bed. She had tan fur with long pointy ears. Her eyes were just little dots, had a head full of brown hair and wore an orange dress.

"I have to do something to help our village!" She said.

Outside of her little house, the man in the black suit crept up to her window. He set down his suitcase and peeked through it. He grabbed a weird voice changer.

"You..." He whispered through it in a stern voice.

The creature looked around confused.

"Who said that? Jowee?" She asked.

"I am your god..." The man in the suit said.

"Oh my god! The creator!" The creature said.

"Uhhh, yes..The creator! I've come to give you a sacred task!" The man in the suit said.

"...Whats sacred mean?" The creature asked.

"argh...Look, I'm going to send you a guy who will help you." The man in the suit said.

"With my lawn?" The creature asked.

"No! With eliminating the darkness!" The man in the suit yelled.

"Oh, the darkness that surrounds our village?" The creature asked.

"Yes, that darkness!" The man in the suit said impatiently.

"Can he help me with my lawn too?" The creature asked.

"Yes! For Christ's sake yes! First, you must go to uhhh..." The man in the suit thought.

"The mall?" The creature asked.

"No! You have to go to that place that is like a magic place or some shit like that.." The man in the suit said.

"You mean the creation hall?" The creature asked.

"Yes. The creation hall!" The man in the suit said.

"Right now?" The creature asked.

"Yes! Right now!" The man in the suit yelled.

"Okay..thank you Mr. creator." The creature said.

The Creature got off her bed and ran outside.

"These fucking Zhu Zhu pets are retards." The man in the suit muttered.

The creature saw another of her kind outside. He wore a white shirt with a lightning bolt on it, had blue goggles on his fore head and had short orange hair. He had a rolled up piece of paper and was about to light it with a match. The other creature angrily stormed up to him.

"JOWEE!" The first creature yelled.

"AAAAHHH! Mari! Uuhhhh,this isn't from your stash, I got it myself." Jowee said.

"Bullshit, you can't even afford fake weed!" Mari yelled.

"Come on, I can't live without the stuff. Your the one who offered me to try it." Jowee said.

Mari held out her hand. Jowee gave the joint to her.

"Besides, we have to get to the creation hall." She said, hiding it in her dress.

"Why? Are we gonna set up a meth lab there?" Jowee asked.

"No, the creator ordered me to go there. He said he would send us a Hero." Mari said.

"The creator again? Damn it Mari, your more fucked up than I am." Jowee said.

Mari kicked Jowee in the groin. He held his crotch and fell over.

"We have to tell my dad." Mari said.

"I think you broke one of them.." Jowee said in a high pitched voice.

Mari grabbed Jowee by one of his ears and dragged him to the mayor's house. That's who her father was, the mayor. He was standing out front. He had a brown bowler hat, cane, blue vest with red bowtie and an orange mustache.

"Dad! The creator spoke to me!" Mari said.

"Oh god, here we go.." The mayor sighed.

"I'm serious! He told me to go to the creation hall!" Mari said.

"Mari, the creator hasn't spoken to us in 3 years. It's probably because Jowee extinguished the sacred flame." The Mayor said.

"Hey, I had to go." Jowee said.

"Were you smoking again?" The mayor asked.

"No! I haven't had a smoke since this morning." Mari said.

"Mari, this is like, the 15th time you've told me the creator spoke to you. Let's face it, he left us to rot." The mayor said.

The mayor went back inside city hall. Mari, furious, dragged Jowee over to the creation hall. Inside was a bunch of old papers and a mannequin.

"Sweet! Free paper!" Jowee said.

"Jowee, shut up. This is serious." Mari hissed.

"I'm just saying." Jowee said.

"Creator! Show us our new savior!" Mari said.

Nothing happened.

"See? Your dad was-" Jowee started.

Meanwhile, in some big black void...

"Wake up Mr. Freeman..." The man in the suit said.

Freeman opened his eyes and shrieked when he saw the man in the suit's eye jammed right into his face.

"I know your one who deserves a rest more than any other." The man in the suit continued.

"Damn it! Don't do that!" Freeman yelled.

"The right person in the wrong place can make the biggest difference." The man in the suit said.

"Can you hurry it up, my muscles are stiff." Freeman said.

"Your time has come again, wake up and smell the ashes." The man in the suit said.

Freeman slowly regained his sight and found himself in some room with papers. He was startled by the weird hamster creatures.

"Holy shit, it worked!" Jowee said.

Chapter 11:Drawn to Half life

Freeman nervously looked around.

"Hi, I'm-" Mari started.

Freeman grabbed a nearby chair and smashed it over Jowee's head. Then he took one of the legs and stabbed him repeatedly with it. Blood splattered all over his face. When Jowee was rapidly bleeding to death, Freeman turned to Mari, wooden stake in hand.

"Wait! Are you psycho or something!" Mari asked.

"You fucking Aliens aren't gonna fool me!" Freeman yelled.

"Aliens? I'm not an Alien, I'm a Raposa." Mari said.

"Who gives a shit? Your all the same to me!" Freeman said.

"I thought you were supposed to help us." Mari said.

"Help you? Why in hell's name would I help you?" Freeman asked.

"Because the creator said he would send us a hero." Mari said, the stake barely touching her fore head.

Freeman grabbed Mari by the neck and picked her up.

"Who the fuck is the creator!" He spat in her face, filled with anger.

"He's the strange invisible guy who created our world. He spoke to me in my room." Mari said.

Jowee coughed up more blood. Freeman side kicked him in the face. Freeman calmed down and set Mari down. He clearly was suppressing his anger because his smile was forced and his eyes said "I'm gonna kill you and rape your dead corpse!"

"Now let me get this straight. Your weird creator said he would send you a hero and you think that's who I am?" Freeman asked impatiently.

"Yes." Mari said happily.

"Look doll, this isn't a fucking fairy tale. The only real god is science." Freeman said.

"What's science?" Mari asked dumbly.

Freeman put his palm in his face.

"You know what? Screw this, I'm going home." Freeman said.

Freeman turned around and banged his head on the door frame. The door was shorter than he was. Crouching, he left the building and looked around. He felt like he was in 1815.

"Damn it, how the hell am I going to get home?" Freeman wondered.

Suddenly, a previous message burnt itself into his mind, along with an image of the man in the suit.

"The right man in the wrong place can make the biggest difference." The man in the suit said.

Freeman realized that he was the hero the weird hamster girl was talking about and the creator was the man in the suit. He turned around and banged his head on the door frame again. He crouched under it and saw Mari giving Jowee CPR.

"Breath Jowee, Breath!" She kept yelling at him.

"Your not helping, outta the way." Freeman said, shoving her aside.

Freeman grabbed a pencil off the floor and pulled some string loose from Jowee's shirt. He tied the string around the pencil. He stabbed the pencil through the edge of one of his stab wounds and stabbed it through the other side repeatedly until the wound was sewn up. Then he sewed up the other stab wounds.

"Is he going to be okay?" Mari asked.

"I don't think he'll make it. He lost a lot of blood." Freeman said.

"What's blood?" Mari asked.

Freeman put his palm in his face again. He tore off a piece of Jowee's shirt and began wiping the floor with it.

"Why are you cleaning the floor at a time like this?" Mari asked.

"I'm toweling up the blood." Freeman said.

"You mean the cherry coolaid?" Mari asked.

"How the hell do you idiots survive with that brain?" Freeman muttered.

Freeman squeezed the blood into a glass jar and pulled open one of Jowee's wounds. He simply poured the blood back into it. Then he sewed it up again. Jowee coughed as he came back to the world of the living.

"What the hell happened? All I remember was a chair and I was a vampire." Jowee said weakly.

"The hero saved you!" Mari squealed.

"My name is Dr. Gordon Freeman." Gordon said.

"Thanks Dr. Goron." Jowee said.

"Gordon." Gordon corrected.

"Lets go show him to my dad!" Mari said.

"What do you think I am? A pet?" Gordon asked.

Mari took Gordon's hand and lead him outside, Jowee staggered after her. When they came to her dad's house, there was a note pinned on the door.

"Dad want's me to go shopping again? But I just did today." Mari said, clueless.

Gordon took the note off the door.

"It says your dad is sick and tired of listening to your insanity and left the village for snow mountain." Gordon said.

"Ahhhh Man! Why the hell didn't he take us? I love snow." Jowee said.

"It's not cocaine retard, he means the mountain that is actually covered in real snow." Mari said.

"You mean crack?" Jowee asked.

Mari put her face in her palm in frustration.

"We have to save him!" Mari yelled.

"Gorgon can save him!" Jowee said.

"Gordon." Gordon corrected.

"Quickly! To the village entrance!" Mari said.

Mari took Gordon's hand and guided him there. Before they could set foot outside of it, a strange figure appeared. It was the same shape as Jowee and Mari, but it was covered in black goo. It's eyes and mouth were all that's visible.

"Where do you children think your going?" He asked.

"Outta the way freak, we're going to save my dad." Mari said.

"The mayor? I'm afraid he's staying at one of my hotels right now." The figure asked.

"Really? Can I stay at one?" Mari asked.

"I was being sarcastic, he's my prisoner." The figure said.

Gordon leaned against the post of the gate, resting his head on his arm. He was bored out of his mind with this gay encounter. He glanced to the right and saw what looked like an old toolbox.

"Who the hell are you anyway? You look like one of those tar guys from _Condemned 2:Bloodshot_." Mari said.

"I am Wilfre. Master of Darkness." The figure said.

Gordon opened the small toolbox and found something familiar. It was a red crowbar with gray tips, his first weapon from the original _Half Life_.

"Darkness? Do you know how unoriginal that is?" Mari asked.

"Yes, I know I wasn't the first to use 'Darkness' as my element, but it's such a big theme." Wilfre said.

Gordon took the Crowbar out of the toolbox and looked at Wilfre, then the crowbar, then Wilfre again.

"You are aware there are like, 20 other elements out there, right?" Mari asked.

"Will you just stop it with the theme thing? I'm trying to make my first evil appearance-" Wilfre started.

Before Wilfre could continue, a red crowbar stabbed into his head, courtesy of Gordon. Gordon pulled it out and bashed him with the blunt end.

"I wasn't finished yet!" Wilfre said.

"Take you corny drama club somewhere else." Gordon said.

Gordon kicked Wilfre back into the clouds of Darkness that surrounded the village.

"Hurray! You kicked his ass Gordon!" Mari said.

"Uhh, thanks. I don't see how the fuck we're supposed to get through these black air molecules though." Gordon said.

"You mean the darkness?" Jowee asked.

"Yeah, the darkness." Gordon said.

"We can leave through the snow gate!" Mari said.

"Snow gate? How many gates does this village have?" Gordon asked.

"I don't know, maybe elevendy." Jowee said.

"Come on!" Mari said.

Mari lead Jowee and Gordon to the snow gate. It had a small snow man next to it.

"Please! Find my dad! He's my only connection to drug markets!" Mari asked.

"Your not coming?" Gordon asked.

"We don't have any weapons. And besides, Jowee would get killed by a cockroach" Mari said.

"Would not!" Jowee said.

Mari kicked Jowee in the groin again. He fell over and Gordon chuckled.

"This isn't the first time I've had to do all the work." Gordon said.

"I'm so happy you understand." Mari said.

"Yeah, I completely understand that I have to do all the work." Gordon said.

Gordon opened the snow gate and entered. He found himself in a winter wonderland filled with mountains. He started walking down the path when he saw these weird creatures. They had purple fur, white faces, had no arms, wore scarves, and where the size of a goomba from those crappy Mario games.

"These things make headcrabs look like Pillow pets." He muttered.

Drawing his crowbar, he battered them rapidly with the sharp point, spraying blood on his hazard suit. Soon, they all laid on the ground, dead and bleeding. They dropped these strange brown coins, which Gordon picked up.

"Hmmmm, looks like a case of Marioitus, the dropping of currency from dead creatures." Gordon said.

Taking the coins, Gordon proceeded down the path. He came to a gap. Using his suit's sprint function, he leaped over it with ease. Then he saw another new entity. It was a large black form with little beady white eyes. It looked very similar to Wilfre. Gordon sprinted up to it and bashed it repeatedly in the head with his crowbar before it could counter. It died and dropped more coins.

After an hour of killing retarded creatures, Gordon finally saw the Mayor in a black goo cage. He bashed it repeatedly until it shattered and the mayor jumped in happiness.

"Thank you for saving me!" The mayor said.

"Your daughter sent me to find you." He said.

"Mari? I knew she would send help if she wanted access to those drug markets." The mayor said.

The mayor and Gordon returned to the village, where Jowee and Mari were waiting.

"DAD! Your alive! (shit, there goes my inheritance)." Mari said and muttered.

"This black goo covered fag, Wilfre, used some weird magic to trap me. It's a good thing this weird creature saved me." The mayor said, referring to Gordon.

"He's the hero the creator sent." Mari said.

"I have a name you know." Gordon said.

"You know that grease covered tard?" Mari asked.

"Oh yeah, it's a long story. You see-" The Mayor started.

"Look, am I done here? Have I saved your world now?" Gordon asked.

"Oh no. The darkness still covers most of the village and most of the villagers are still missing." The mayor said.

"Well how do I clear all this?" Gordon asked.

"First, we must relight the sacred flame." The mayor said.

"How do I do that?" Gordon asked impatiently.

"You must find the page of it for the book of life." The mayor said.

"Oh my god. HOW DO I DO THAT!" Gordon demanded.

"Oh, just go back to the snow gate and search for it there." The mayor said.

"Thank you." Gordon said impatiently.

"Bring me any weed you find!" Jowee asked.

So Gordon went back through the snow gate. After killing more stupid creatures, he came to a sign with a pen on it.

"Draw a cloud that can be used as a platform!" It said.

"What the fuck?" Gordon said.

Gordon took the pen and sketched a very detailed picture of a cloud. After finishing, he saw that very cloud floating over a gap.

"This world just keeps getting retarded." He muttered.

After foraging around, Gordon found the page to the book of life and also freed 3 other Raposas. One had blue pants with a yellow shirt with glasses. Another wore a blue dress with pigtails, and the last also wore a blue dress with medium sized hair. Gordon lead them all back to the village.

"Isaac! Your back!" The mayor said.

"Those weird monsters captured my family. Thankfully, this guy saved us." The one in glasses said.

"Did you find any weed?" Jowee asked anxiously.

"What? Heavens no!" Isaac said.

"Not you! Gorson!" Jowee said.

"GORDON! And no, I didn't." Gordon said.

"Awwww. I guess I'll have to use Farmer Brown's Tranquilizers again." Jowee said.

"Did you recover the page?" The mayor asked.

Gordon handed the page to the mayor. The mayor then put it back in the book of life.

"Now the creator must draw the flame!" The mayor said.

Meanwhile, in a strange office..

The man in the suit sat at his desk, typing on his computer. He was editing his Facebook page when he got an email. It said to draw a flame. The Man opened his Paint program and drew a flame that looked like one that was draw by a five year old. Then he submitted it before returning to his peeps on Facebook.

Back in the weird magic land...

A blue flame ignited on the sacred fireplace.

"We are protected once again!" The mayor said.

"I could light a huge Joint with that." Mari thought.

"Would you kindly use the Flame to clear the darkness away from my shop now?" Isaac asked.

"How do I do that?" Gordon asked.

"Just touch it." The mayor said.

Gordon poked the flame with his crowbar and a beam of light shot into the sky. It struck the dark clouds surrounding Isaac's shop and they turned a dull gray and vanished. Isaac jumped with Joy as he ran up to his shop.

"Aww man, they broke my bocker lounger." he said.

"Am I finished now?" Gordon asked.

"Almost..." The mayor said.

72 hours later...

Gordon came back from the recently opened Beach gate for the seventeenth time. The snow around the village had melted, thanks to the new sun. Gordon couldn't believe all the retarded things he had to get for the rapos. They asked for stuff like food, signs, rain, night, drugs, toys, video games, TVs, affordable houses, Prostitutes, strippers, clothes, cars, and guns. What's confusing is that all this stuff came from pages for the book of life. Jowee ran up to him.

"Did you get it!" He asked anxiously.

"Yes." Gordon said boringly.

He went to the mayor and handed him the 64th page for the Book of Life so far.

"Good, now-" The mayor started.

"The creator has to draw it." Gordon finished.

Back in the creepy gray office...

The man in the suit had just finished another stupid drawing email when he suddenly got another. He growled as he opened it and drew a beach ball, which was the request. Then he sent it and threw his computer out the window.

Back in magic land...

A beach ball fell out of the sky Jowee grabbed it and took it to Mari, who was on the beach in her orange bikini, sun tanning.

"Mari! He got it!" Jowee said.

"Your blocking my sun idiot." She said.

Jowee ran down the beach like a retard. Gordon stood in front of Mari.

"Your blocking my sun..." Mari said.

"How does any of this have to do with destroying the darkness?" Gordon demanded.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Mari muttered.

"Nothing! For the past 3 days, you've been sending me to several ridiculous locations to bring back items on your shopping list! I have stuff to do and I can't leave until the darkness is dead! So how the fuck do I destroy the darkness!" Gordon demanded.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Mari said.

Gordon yelled in rage like a wild animal. He flipped over Mari and her sun chair and stormed off towards the remaining clouds of darkness.

"Wait! You'll die if you-" Mari started.

Gordon walked right through the clouds without any harm, thanks to his hazard suit.

"Go in the clouds." Mari finished.

Gordon reached a large gate that looked like it had been pulled out of a coloring book because it was all white.

"HEY! FUCKING CREATOR! OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR!" He yelled.

Sadly, the man in the suit's laptop lay broken in the parking lot of his 30 story building.

"Fuck this." Gordon said.

Gordon took out his crowbar and jammed it into the crack on the door. He pulled on it hard, and strangely, he managed to wedge open the door. He went inside and found himself inside a dark castle. He strolled down the halls, butchering any retarded monsters that got in his way.

Eventually, he got to a wide open room where Wilfre was floating in the air.

"So, you decided to pay me a visit?" Wilfre asked.

Gordon pulled out his Zero point energy field manipulator (AKA Gravity Gun), which could grab objects and throw them. He sucked up a Rock on the ground and punted it at Wilfre, which hit him right on the head.

"That is not cool bro. Scorpion! Attack!" Wilfre shouted.

A giant scorpion with armor over it's head smashed through a nearby wall. Gordon peppered it with bullets from his MP7, but they just bounced off it. Then he pulled out his laser guided Rocket launcher. He fired a rocket past the scorpion then swung it back around and hit it from behind, severing it's tail. Then he boldly jumped on it's head and used his crowbar to pry the armor plate off it. Then he stabbed it's brain with it. It collapsed to the floor dead.

"You may have defeated my scorpion, but I control all the power of darkness!" Wilfre said.

Gordon pulled out his Glutton Gun, which is a laser with a large tank on his back. Wilfre gasped at the sight of it. Gordon shot a blue beam at Wilfre, who screamed in agony because of the pain. He fell to the floor, weak. And as he looked up, he saw Gordon jam his crowbar into his eye socket. Gordon actually pried Wilfre's skull off and stabbed his brain. Wilfre fell to the ground dead and dissipated.

Gordon came back through the gate he opened, the dark clouds around him were gone. He went over to Mari, who was standing next to Jowee.

"THERE! Now can I leave!" Gordon demanded in their faces.

Suddenly, time froze.

"Is it really that time again Mr. Freeman?" The man in the suit said, appearing out of nowhere.

"I fucking hope so. These rabbit things just wanted to get stuff for them." Gordon said.

"You have done so much in such a short amount of time. I have another offer for you, but this time, I will make the decision for you." The man in the suit said.

"Whatever just get me out of here." Gordon said.

The man in the suit walked away from Gordon and a door opened out of nowhere to his right. The man straightened his tie and walked through the door. The door closed and everything went black.

"At least I'm not in TF141." Gordon muttered.

Soap jolted awake in the humvee. The gang had stopped at a gas station for gas. Price was still at the wheel while Ghost put the gas in. Roach was inside the store buying candy.

"God..How long was I out?" Soap asked.

"5 minutes. I was telling you the story about my excursion with cannibals in Africa." Price said.

"Oh god, don't start that again! Jesus, I had a dream about some weird guy serving these weird little hamster things." Soap asked.

"Maybe you should stop watching reruns of _Hamtaro_ on the TV!" Price said, pointing at the screen.

"Hell, it's a lot better than the crap you watch!" Soap said.

Ghost got back in the car.

"Alright, we're all filled up. Did we have to use my card?" He asked.

"Yes, I lost mine." Price said.

"Than what's that?" Ghost asked, pointing to a green card on the dashboard.

Price grabbed it and swallowed it.

"What's what?" He asked.

"The card you just swallowed." Ghost said.

"I didn't swallow any card." Price said, a big bulge in his thraot.

Roach got back in the car holding a plastic bag full of candy.

"Alrighty! Lets get er going!" He said.

"Your a cheap ass, you know that?" Ghost said to Price.

"Every buck you save is something else to buy with." Price said.

"Seriously guys, can we leave already?" Roach asked.

"What's the rush?" Soap asked, still watching _Hamtaro_.

"I didn't pay for this stuff." Roach said.

Suddenly, the store owner came running out at them with a golf club. Price stepped on the gas and their humvee took off down the long desert road.

To be continued...


	12. Saint's whoa

Channel 13: Saints whoa

**I know it seems kinda random, but I thought it up in the shower and cracked me up.**

In France, at a weird looking apartment building, there were 2 Anthropomorphic puppies. One was Black with a blue scarf that was named Gaspard. The other was white with a red scarf, her name was Lisa. They were sitting in Lisa's apartment's living room. They were having a crisis.

"I can't believe I have to share my room with my bitch sister Victoria!" Lisa exclaimed.

"It's only for one more night, until your dad finishes putting up her new wallpaper." Gaspard said.

"That's what he said several nights ago." Lisa pointed out.

"Why is he taking so long?" Gaspard asked.

Meanwhile, at a nearby bar...

Lisa's father was at the bar counter, sitting next to 17 empty glasses.

"Bar tender, another beer." He mumbled.

Back at Lisa's apartment...

"If her room isn't finished soon, I'm gonna smother her with a pillow. Oh fuck it! I'm just gonna stab that bitch!" Lisa yelled.

Lisa grabbed a knife from the kitchen and started running towards her room where Victoria was. Gaspard grabbed her arms and pressed her against the wall.

"Lisa! Don't do this! We'll just finish the room ourselves!" Gaspard said.

"But Dad said we were too young to help." Lisa said.

"Then we need to find someone who can." Gaspard said.

"But who? Mom can't do it." Lisa said.

"Do you hear a helicopter by chance?" Gaspard asked.

Suddenly, a helicopter smashed through the wall and a strange man climbed out of the cockpit. He wore blue jeans with a purple hoodie. His hair was thin and black with a black beard mustache combo.

"Ahhhhh! Who the hell are you?" Gaspard asked nervously, brandishing Lisa's knife.

"I'm the leader of the kick ass gang, the 3rd Street Saints! And I'm ere to elp you get your bitch ass sister's room done!" The man said.

"Why are you guys fixing rooms?" Lisa asked.

"Well, after we ass raped the Syndicate to death, we got bored shooting random cops. So we decided to help out troubled kids like yourselves with their sibling problems! We already helped Ruby from _Max and Ruby_!" The Boss said.

"What did you do for her?" Gaspard asked.

"We bashed her dumb ass brother in the head with a sex toy a couple of times." The boss.

"Could you maybe stop cursing so much? This is a children's show." Lisa said.

"Are you shitting me? Fuck that! I'm gonna curse more than those bitches in _Watchmen: The end is Nigh_!" The Boss said.

"Okay...So your gonna put up my sister's wallpaper?" Lisa asked.

"Hell yeah! But first, let's get her punk ass out of here so she doesn't ruin the surprise. Where is she?" The boss asked.

"In Lisa's room." Gaspard said.

The boss walked into Lisa's Room and grabbed Victoria by her shoulders. He calmly carried her out into the living room.

"Hey! Who the hell are you?! Let me go! Let me go! My daddy's gonna to sue you!" Victoria whined.

"Sorry bitch, go do Ballet or whatever shit you do." The boss said.

The boss tossed Victoria out of their 5th floor window. He dusted off his hands like it was nothing.

"Okay, to do this right, I'm gonna need to call in some homies." The boss said.

The boss pulled out his slick cell phone and made some calls on it. Before Gaspard and Lisa knew it, their apartment was filled with a bunch of creepy ass people.

"This is my crew. This is Pierce, Shandi, Oleg, Kinzie, Zimos, Angel, Viola, Jane Valderama, Troy Bradshaw, Legal lee, Mr. Wong, Tobias, Will, Samantha, Laura, Zombie Carlos, Zombie Lin, Zombie Gat and finally, Chicken Ned!" The boss said, introducing his buddies.

There were so many different faces, it would take weeks to describe them all. Just play the games or look them up online. You'll see them somewhere.

"So where is this ho's room?" The boss asked.

"It's over here." Lisa said.

Lisa lead the large crew to her sister's room, where the wall paper was partially up.

"Pink with white flowers? This shit won't do. Zimos, what do you recommend?" The boss asked.

"Purple with white girl silhouettes would look real sexy." The pimp in the purple coat and gold vocalizer sang.

"Alright, Pierce, Shandi, you 2 get the paper. Take my Emu." The boss said, holding out his keys.

"You have a pet Emu?" Gaspard asked.

"No, it's a retarded smart car." The black guy in a white suit said.

Pierce and Shandi took the keys and left.

"Alright, now lets add some spice while we wait. Any ideas?" The boss asked.

"Ugghhghhhhhh," Zombie Carlos said (he wears a white tank top with purple pants).

"No way Carlos, a washing machine would be a complete turn off." The boss said.

"Stripper poles would get a triple A." Zimos said.

"Perfect! Oleg, go down to the sex shop and grab some." The boss said.

"I will go as fast as my bulky legs will carry me." Oleg, the freakishly bulk guy in a gray suit said.

Oleg smashed through where Lisa's door was since he couldn't fit through it.

"Now we'll definitely need a 500 inch Plasma screen!" The boss said.

"Don't you think your going a bit too far? My sister already has furniture for this room." Lisa said.

"A rotating bed would be nice." Samantha, the naked woman said.

"We could probably fit a piano in here." Laura, the woman in green pants and blouse said.

"Lets put a meth lab over there!" Tobias, the guy without a shirt and green pants said.

"Whoa Whoa Whoa! I think this isn't necessary! We only hired you to put up her wallpaper." Lisa said.

"Ahh don't be such a bitch! You sis will love this shit!" The boss said.

"A Jade statue would improve the funschway." Mr Wong, the chinese guy in the bowler hat and green robe said.

"Let's just decorate the whole place if we're putting all this work into it." Viola, the girl in black said.

"Bitchin idea! Let's pimp this entire pad!" The boss said, enthusiastically.

"No! My mom will kill me!" Lisa said.

"Why don't you 2 just wait outside?" The boss said.

The boss picked up Gaspard and Lisa by their scarves and carried them outside and locked them out. Victoria was there too.

"I'm telling dad what you did!" Victoria threatened.

"I've had it with you bitch!" Lisa yelled, tackling Victoria.

"Yeah! Kick her ass Lisa!" Gaspard cheered.

Meanwhile, inside the apartment, The Saints had their work cut out for them. Laura and Tobias were placing drug packages in the kitchen cabinets. Zimos and Viola were installing a hot tub in the bathroom. Pierce and Shaundi returned with the new wallpaper and started putting it up all over the place. Oleg was setting up the stripper poles. And the zombie characters were devouring Lisa's little sister, Lila.

An hour later...

Gaspard was restraining Victoria by her arms.

"Say it!" Lisa said.

Lisa punched Victoria in the face with her right fist. Vic spat out blood from her mouth.

"Say it!" Lisa yelled.

Lisa grabbed Victoria's head and bashed it into her own. Blood shot out of her nose. She coughed up blood.

"Alright...I'm a whore." Victoria said.

"And?" Lisa asked.

"Fuck you." Victoria said.

Lisa jump kicked Victoria in the mouth, shooting more blood all over the place.

"And I'm adopted." Victoria said.

"Keep going." Lisa said, smiling evilly.

"I was wrong to constantly boss you around. Your the best child of the family. I had unprotected sex with Gaspard's brother Charles and had an abortion." Victoria said.

"We should have done this years ago." Gaspard said.

"Maybe we can do it to your brother next." Lisa said.

"Awesome!" Gaspard said.

"Can you let me go now?" Victoria asked.

"Not yet, first you have to suck Gaspard's-" Lisa started.

"Yo! We're all finished!" The boss yelled.

"Damn it." Gaspard mumbled.

"Put these blind folds on." The boss said.

"Aren't these thongs?" Lisa asked.

"Who cares? Put them on." The boss said.

The boss tied the thongs over the puppie's eyes. He guided them back into their apartment. Where he removed them.

"Check out your new crib!" The boss said.

The dogs couldn't believe their eyes. Purple wall paper was hung up everywhere. Their were purple couches in the living room behind a 1000 inch TV. The bathroom had a large hot tub inside that took up half of the room. Most notable of wall was the disco ball in the center.

"What the? Why is there? What the fuck?" Victoria screamed.

"Let's give you a grand tour of the place." The boss said.

The boss lead them to the kitchen, which was full of smoke, courtesy of Laura and Tobias' joints.

"At first, it looks like an average kitchen, but..." The boss said.

The boss hit his fist on the counter and it flipped over revealing a burner and vials.

"A well hidden Meth lab!" The boss said.

"(Cough cough) I can't see." Lisa said.

"Onwards!" The boss yelled.

The boss lead them to Lila's room. The zombies were passed out all over the floor. Lisa looked in Lila's crib.

"She's gone! Where is she?" Lisa gasped.

"Ahhh don't worry, shes probably playing 'Zombie uprising' on your new TV." The boss said.

As the boss lead them out of the room, Zombie Carlos ate some of the flesh off Lila's leg. The boss now lead them to Victoria's room, which had stripper poles, a rotating bed, and a cabinet full of tampons.

"What the..." Victoria muttered.

"And heres your bitch ass sister's room. Awesome ain't it?" The boss said.

"What the hell did you do to our house? You fucking turned it into some kind of strip club!" Victoria yelled.

"Hell no, it's more like Safe word, we have a sex room too!" The boss said.

"You people are nothing but a bunch of ghetto retards! Everyone thinks your so cool, but your really just a bunch of homeless bums!" Victoria yelled.

The boss, Pierce, and Shaudi gave grim looks at Victoria. Suddenly, they pulled out Beretta 92Fs and aimed them at her. Gaspard and Lisa jumped behind Victoria's bed as multiple gun shots were heard. Victoria's corpse finally hit the floor, completely riddled with Bullet holes.

"The hookers have arrived." Zimos said.

Everybody cheered as women in skimpy clothing filled the apartment. The boss started humping one of them.

"Thank god my Brother wasn't putting any wallpaper up." Gaspard said, watching in horror.

"Oh actually, your bro did call us earlier." Pierce said, sitting on the bed with a hooker sitting on his lap.

"Oh no!" Gaspard screamed.

Meanwhile, at Gaspard's apartment...

Gaspard's brother, Charles, Was sitting on his bed, getting a lap dance from a hooker.

"God, I love Saint's Row." He said to himself quietly.

"Join us next week when we help out Charlie and Lola!" The boss said.

Preview of that episode...

A blonde boy in a shirt with blue sleeves that had "Charlie" written on it stood behind his sister Lola, who was also blonde and wore a crazy colored dress.

"Bed time." Charlie said.

"It is not bed time." Lola said.

Suddenly, a large purple plastic male genital hit her on the head, held by the Boss.

"Get your bitch ass in bed!" He yelled.

Lola screamed, running to her room. The boss chased after her. Charlie laughed as a hooker came behind him and rubbed his shoulders.

"I should have called these guys a long time ago." Charlie said.

End (for now...)

**Again, sorry for taking so long. Been focusing on Biojock. Please review!**


	13. Silent Hill: Shattered Vase

Channel 13

All copyright material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

Chapter 52: Silent Hill: Shattered Vase

**Do you know what I saw on TV? **_**Gaspard and Lisa**_**. I know it's a children's show, but for some reason, I can't stop watching it. It reminds me so much of another children's book that I also enjoy. Anyway, I really wanted to make a chapter about it. I have several ideas actually, this is just one.**

**SPOILER ALERT! If you have not played through **_**Silent Hill 2**_** and want to learn everything for yourself, stop reading immediately!**

**Now, in the Silent Hill series, there is an entity know as Pyramid Head/ Boogey man (every Silent Hill fan should know him). According to my **_**Silent Hill Homecoming**_** strategy guide, he is a symbol of guilt felt by someone. Gaspard and Lisa are frequently responsible for things that could cause them guilt, so I got this wicked idea to mash them together. Enjoy!**

One day in Paris France, a short black dog walked down the street. He had a blue scarf wrapped around his neck and an orange European shoulder bag (In other words, a man purse). He had yellow eyes and a pink nose. Most people would be shocked to see a black dog walking upright wearing clothing, but for some reason, all the other French people didn't seem to care.

Anyway, he entered this weird apartment building (It looked like a building you'd see at an industrial area) and walked right past the bulletin board without even noticing the weird red symbol that was painted on it with blood. He started climbing the stairs. On the 3rd floor, he passed a door that had a shitload of chains covering it and like 15 pieces of paper stuck under it's door. From behind the door, a man in a white shirt in jeans and brown hair pounded on the door screaming for help.

Sadly, the dog continued up the stairs, leaving the weird man to starve. The dog reached the 6th floor and knocked on the door to another apartment. Seconds later, another little dog answered it. She was the same size as the black one, but she was white and wore a red scarf.

"Hi Lisa." The Black dog said.

"Gaspard, I was wondering when you'd get here." Lisa said.

"My father was using his car to run down American Tourists again." Gaspard said.

Somewhere else in Paris, an adult black dog with a tie revved the engine of his car as soon as he saw a large group of college kids.

Gaspard entered Lisa's apartment.

"So did you get it?" Lisa asked.

Gaspard reached into his man purse and pulled out a small black box. He flipped it open to reveal a small amount of white powder.

"Charles didn't even notice." Gaspard said.

In case you didn't know, Charles is Gaspard's older brother. Not too long ago he learned how easy it was to make his own drugs and has been doing so ever since. Fortunately, the place he hides all of it is in Gaspard's underwear drawer. Speaking of which, why does he even have an underwear drawer if he doesn't wear any?

"And you said this stuff makes you see unicorns?" Lisa asked.

"It made Charles see them. He kept saying things like 'come back unicorn, I just want to be friends'." Gaspard said.

"Lisa? Is that Gaspard?" Lisa's father asked from in the kitchen.

"Oh no! We can't let papa see that! Or else he'll send me to rehab again!" Lisa panicked.

"Why did he send you there the first time?" Gaspard asked.

"I got a hold of one of his cigarettes." Lisa said.

Flashback...

"Lisa! Stop smoking those! Those things aren't cheap!" Lisa's father said.

Lisa had 15 cigs in her mouth.

"I'll stop when I'm ready!" Lisa said, agitated.

Back to the present...

"Hide them!" Lisa said.

Gaspard looked around. He saw an air vent, a pack of condoms, and Lisa's mother's favorite vase. For some reason, he chose the latter. He dumped the coke inside of it. When Lisa's father came in, Gaspard and Lisa were just standing there whistling suspiciously.

"You kids alright in here?" Lisa's father asked.

"Us? Oh yeah. Just...drawing." Lisa said.

"Drawing? On what?" Lisa's father asked.

"I think I saw some thugs vandalizing your car, Lisa's dad." Gaspard said.

"Oh shit!" Lisa's dad cursed as he rushed down the stairs.

"Alright, back to the white stuff." Lisa said.

"Charles just sniffs it up his nose with a straw." Gaspard said.

"Good, theres some straws in the kitchen." Lisa said.

Lisa and Gaspard got some straws from the kitchen and returned to the vase. They pulled chairs nearby and stood on them so they could reach inside the vase with the straws. Gaspard did first.

"So how is it?" Lisa asked.

Gaspard just laughed. Lisa sniffed some of the coke too and she also began to laugh.

"I don't know what I'm laughing about!" Gaspard said.

Suddenly, Gaspard fell over and knocked the vase over as well. It hit floor, shattering.

"Oh no. My moms favorite vase!" Lisa said, still laughing.

"Don't worry, we'll just hide it." Gaspard said, still laughing as well.

Gaspard got a garbage bag and shoved the fragments of the vase into it. Then, he and Lisa threw it out a nearby window.

Meanwhile, on the closest highway...

"Damn it Price! How the hell did we end up in France?" Soap demanded.

"I thought the plane said Frankfort Kentucky!" Price said.

"Maybe if you didn't drink too much, you'd see that it said Paris France!" Soap said.

"I have to take a piss." Roach said.

"For Christ's sake, we just stopped 5 minutes ago!" Ghost said.

"I didn't have enough time." Roach said.

"Well forget it. We ain't stopping for nothing else!" Price said.

Suddenly, the bag Gaspard threw out the window landed on the hood of their jeep and obscured the windshield.

"What the fuck!?" Price cursed.

Price swerved to the left and slammed into another car.

"Damn it Price! Pull over!" Soap yelled.

"I'm trying to get the damn bag off the window!" Price yelled.

"Just pull the fucking thing over!" Soap yelled.

The jeep went right through a guard rail and landed on it's side in an alley.

"Theres glass in my eyes!" Soap yelled.

"Stop your belly aching! Let's just get out." Price said.

Price unbuckled his seatbelt and fell on Soap.

"I can't feel my ribs!" Soap said.

Price straightened himself up and stood on Soap's chest, reaching for the driver's door.

"Damn it. It's locked!" Price said.

"Just hit the unlock button!" Ghost said.

"I can't find it!" Price said.

"It's right on the arm rest!" Ghost said.

"The arm rest is smashed to hell!" Price said.

"Aww shit. Just break the fucking window." Ghost said.

Price elbowed the window and shattered it.

"AAAAHHHHH! You got glass in my open wounds!" Soap screeched.

"Will you shut up for ten bloody seconds!?" Price yelled.

Price stomped on Soap's ribs, injuring him more.

"I still have to take a piss." Roach said.

All the others groaned.

"There...Your mom will never know." Gaspard said, still laughing.

2 months later...

Gaspard was walking to down the street with his father. They were going to get his nerdy brother from computer club. (I know that sounded mean, but it's just for humors sake). For some queer reason, there was a thick bale of fog covering the entire street.

"Papa, why did you name me Gaspard?" Gaspard asked.

"Well, you see, No one in our family had a french sounding name so I tried to think of the most stereotypical one I could think of. I wanted Lerue, but I think some other guy was named that. Oh, here we are. Wait here." Gaspard's father said.

Gaspard's father went inside to fetch his brother. Gaspard's eyes glanced across the ground and saw some kind of red liquid smeared on the ground.

"Mmmm, Cherry Koolaid." Gaspard muttered.

Gaspard got on his knees and rubbed his tongue across the liquid. After a second, he spit it out.

"Yuck, it has gravel and stuff in it." He said.

Gaspard noticed the smear continued around the corner of the building. He followed it and it lead into a small tunnel blocked by some boards. He slipped through them and saw a radio laying on a stack of boards, which he picked up. It said nothing but static.

"Must be an American radio." He said, slipping it into his man purse.

Suddenly, something behind the boards caught his eye. From behind the board rose a weird figure. It had dark tan skin and another layer of skin encased over it's upper torso. Judging by the appearance, it looked like a woman in a straight jacket, but Gaspard thought even his nerdy brother wouldn't be attracted to it.

"Uhhhhh...Hello madame. Is something wrong?" Gaspard asked.

The thing said nothing. It started slowly waddling towards Gaspard. Gaspard's eye grew wider.

"Oh no, it's a child rapist!" He panicked

The opening Gaspard came through was shut by a fallen door. He banged on the boards yelling "Stranger danger!" over and over again. He turned to face the monster and reached in his bag. After shuffling through a bunch of crap, he pulled out his mom's compact Walther PPK. He started firing blindly, hitting several walls of the tunnel, but missing the creature. Fortunately, he scored a direct hit on the creature's head with the last bullet. The creature fell backwards, dead.

"This thing reminds me of Lisa's older sister, Victoria." Gaspard said.

Gaspard managed to pry the boards away with a crowbar he kept in his bag. He ran back to the front of the building and ran inside to find his father.

"Dad! Dad! I just killed this insane woman caught in her bath towel!" Gaspard yelled running through the hall.

Gaspard charged into this one room, hoping his brother would be there. Unfortunately, the room was full of this weird things on all fours with suction cups on their feet and weird tubes around their noses (They're called Slurpers). Gaspard screamed and ran away, causing the things to stampede through the door after him. He swung open a door to a closet and barricaded himself inside. He turned around and screamed along with another black dog with headphones around his neck that was in the room with him.

"Charles! You alive!" Gaspard said.

"SSSHHHHH! They'll hear you." Charles said.

"What are those things?" Gaspard whispered.

"How the fuck should I know? They just broke in through the bathroom." Charles whispered.

"Why the bathroom?" Gaspard whispered.

"How the fuck should I know?" Charles said.

Earlier that day...

A man in a green coat with jeans walked into the bathroom. He passed one of the stalls and noticed the toilet was clogged.

"Why is this damn thing always jammed?" He asked himself.

He stuck his left arm down the filthy bowl into the plug. When he pulled his arm back out, his hand was missing. He looked back at the toilet and a slurper broke through the surface of the water and grabbed James Sunderland's face with it's mouth. It pulled his head down into the toilet. James pushed against the toilet to try to pull his head out. Then, for some reason, the slurper managed to pull his entire body down the drain.

Back in the closet...

"What are we going to do?" Gaspard asked.

Charles put his hand on his chin.

"I've got it!" Charles said.

He grabbed Gaspard, opened the door, kicked him out and slammed the door behind him. Gaspard panicked and ran down the hall with a horde of slurpers behind him. Since we aren't getting much humor out of this, lets got to a commercial.

In a lovely kitchen, Gaspard was at the counter stirring cake batter in a bowl. Batter was splashed everywhere. Lisa came up to him.

"Hi Gaspard, what are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm making a cake for my mama's birthday." Gaspard said.

"It doesn't look like it's going so well" Lisa said.

"Yeah, it takes a real genius to see that." Gaspard said sarcastically.

"Lucky for you, another genius can solve your problem." Said a man with black hair, white shirt, blue vest, brown pants, and red sneakers who just walked into the room.

"AAAAAHHHHHH! It's a burglar!" Gaspard screamed.

"No, I'm-" The man started.

"Get the hell out!" Lisa said, throwing a plate at him.

"Hey take it easy!" The man said as it smashed against him.

"I'm gonna carve my name in you guts!" Gaspard yelled, brandishing a knife.

"I'M DOING A FUCKING COMMERCIAL!" The man yelled.

Gaspard and Lisa calmed down slightly.

"I am Richard Osmond, player character of the _Echo Night_ series and favorite character of the author." Richard said.

"Whats an Echo Night?" Gaspard asked.

"That's not important, unfortunately. What is important is how your gonna properly bake a cake." Richard said.

"How am I supposed to do that, smart ass?" Gaspard asked.

"With Blue wolf industries new line of Kitchen appliances!" Richard said.

Suddenly, fancy new appliances appeared around the kitchen instantly.

"How did you do that? Are you a magician? Me and Lisa are too." Gaspard said.

"No it's-" Richard started.

"Look, I'll make this coin disappear!" Gaspard said holding a coin.

"Can we get on with the-" Richard started.

"Abra cadabra!" Gaspard said.

"WILL YOU 2 STOP PISSING AROUND!?" Richard yelled.

Gaspard dropped the coin as he and Lisa flinched.

"First, you gotta pour the cake mix in the deluxe mixer." Richard said, putting a blender on the counter.

"Isn't that a blender?" Lisa asked.

"No, it's the Blue wolf super deluxe cake mixer. What makes it different is the long metal rod with 4 titanium blades on it for maximum efficiency." Richard said.

"Isn't that kinda dangerous?" Gaspard asked.

"Oh stop being a wuss. It also has a safety at the bottom of the rod." Richard said.

Richard stuck his hand in the mixer and flipped a switch at the bottom of the rod. It immediately started spinning, ripping Richard's hand to shreds while he screamed in pain. Gaspard unplugged it and Richard pulled out what was left of his hand.

"Are you alright?" Gaspard asked.

"Oh yeah, I'm alright, I just fucking chopped up my hand like it was sushi!" Richard yelled.

The scene cut to another. Richard had a bandage over the stump where his hand was.

"If theres one thing I hate about baking cakes, it's the eggs. With the new Blue Wolf egg milker, you won't have to worry about the yolk falling in your cake mix." Richard said.

The egg milker was just a tall cylinder.

"You just drop the egg in, and the grinder shreds the shell. Then, the yolk falls onto a strainer while it's fluid enters the container on the bottom." Richard said.

Richard dropped an egg in through the top.

"You can even watch it happen through the entry point." Richard said.

Richard held his left eye over the top. Suddenly, a friggin huge egg shell piece flew out and stabbed him in the eye. He and the kids screamed.

The scene cut again. Now, Richard had an eyepatch.

"Once all the ingredients are mixed up, you pour them into the Blue Wolf Cake molder. It allows you to choose various shapes for your tasty treat." Richard said.

The cake molder was a very large box with a tube for the mixture to go in and a control panel.

"Wheres the mix?" Richard asked.

"It's right here. But I think theres some blood in it." Gaspard said.

"Who cares, just give it to me." Richard said, seizing the bowl from him.

Richard poured the mix into the machine. He selected a double layer cake on the control panel.

"Piece of shit. It should be running." Richard said.

"The manual says the on switch is on the bottom." Lisa said, looking at the manual.

"The bottom? Damn it, who the hell thinks up this crap?!" Richard demanded.

Richard grabbed the machine and slid it off the counter, where he dropped it and crushed his left foot.

"AARRRGGGGHHHH! MOTHERF-" He started before the scene cut again, this time, Richard had a caste.

"We all know how hard it is to get icing on a cake like this. That's why Blue Wolf made this new instant icing sprayer! It sprays a condensed icing formula that expands when sprinkled with sugar." Richard said, holding a paint gun thing.

"Are you sure we can't just spread the icing on with a butter-" Gaspard started.

"Listen moron, we're doing it my way." Richard said.

Richard aimed at the cake and pulled the trigger, spraying a thin substance over the cake. In the middle of this, it jammed.

"Motherfucking piece of shit." Richard muttered, banging it on the table.

After hitting it on the table a 3rd time, the icing sprayer shot a burst of it's condensed icing all over Gaspard's face.

"It's burning my eyes!" Gaspard yelled.

Gaspard fell on the floor in pain. Richard reached under the counter and grabbed a fire extinguisher. He sprayed Gaspard with it's fire smothering fluid. Gaspard was covered in it, but at least it got the condensed icing off. Then Richard pulled out this weird cutter thing.

"Blue wolf doesn't only have power appliances that can kill you, they also have regular ones, like this multi-cutter, which divides you cake into equal pieces." Richard said.

Richard pushed the cutter down through the cake and unfortunately, cut off the top of his finger. He held it up screaming, spraying blood all over the cake. The scene cut again. The finished cake sat on the counter, it was sprayed with blood, the icing didn't work and was misshaped from the cutter.

"There, a lovely cake." Richard said sarcastically.

"Looks Great." Gaspard said unenthusiastically.

"Your mom will love it." Lisa said unenthusiastically.

"So buy Blue Wolf's kitchen appliances or whatever." Richard said.

"This is the only job you could get, huh?" Lisa asked.

Richard got pissed off and stabbed Lisa in the eye with a kitchen knife. Gaspard screamed as the commercial ended.

Back in Paris...

Gaspard slammed the door to Lisa's apartment building shut. He lost his left ear to a freakish thing with blades on it's arms and legs. He was holding a Browning Auto 5 shotgun. His fur was drenched in blood. Looking into the lobby, he saw that Lisa's apartment building had turned rusty as well as his brother's computer club.

"This is worse than that Time Lisa and I committed murder." Gaspard said.

Flashback...

At Lisa's apartment, Gaspard and herself were babysitting her annoying little sister, Lila. Lila wore a purple shirt without sleeves or pant legs. Gaspard was sitting on the couch, playing his Nintendo 3DS with Resident Evil Revelations. Lisa was reading her celebrity gossip magazine. Lila was crying constantly. Fortunately, Gaspard had his headphones on and couldn't hear a thing.

"Can't you do something to shut her up?" Lisa asked.

"What?" Gaspard asked.

"I said, can't you do anything to shut her up?" Lisa shouted.

"What?" Gaspard asked again.

"CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING TO SHUT HER UP?!" Lisa yelled.

"WHAT?" Gaspard shouted.

Lisa got off the couch and walked over to Gaspard. She plucked off his headphones.

"Can't you do something to shut her up!?" Lisa shouted.

"Alright, just give me a second." Gaspard shouted.

It was very hard to think with Lila's constant bawling. Then he finally came up with something.

"We'll just rock her to sleep." Gaspard said.

"You think it will work?" Lisa said.

"It always worked in Neopets." Gaspard said.

Gaspard picked up Lila and started rocking her. She cried so loud, his left eardrum exploded and blood started seeping out. He grew exceedingly impatient with her as every second passed. Finally, seeing it didn't work, his anger erupted.

"Damn you stupid little bitch!" He yelled.

Then, without thinking, he threw Lila out of his arms and unfortunately, out the window. They both were paralyzed.

"I have an idea, we'll pretend someone kidnapped her." Gaspard said.

"But how will we do that?" Lisa asked.

2 hours later...

Lisa's mother, Father, and bitch sister Victoria walked through the door and were horrified by what they saw. The living room was a mess and Gaspard and Lisa were beaten to a pulp. Lisa's mother cradled Lisa.

"Lisa! What happened!?" She asked.

"(Cough) Some weird man broke in. (Cough), he beat us up and took Lila. (Cough)." Lisa said weakly, winking at Gaspard.

"Oh my god! I have to call the Police!" Lisa's dad said.

Back to the present...

Gaspard walked down the fucking creepy hallway. He came to a door that had 9 indentations on it. He picked up a nearby scrap book and looked inside, he saw a weird poem.

_The moon looks down on the upside down man and the witch laughs on the side._

Gaspard ripped the book apart. Rather than solving some stupid puzzle, he blasted the door down with his shotgun. Stepping inside, he fell down a hole he didn't see. He landed on some weird concrete circle with a spinning blade thing in the middle. Looking to the side, he saw Lisa at the top of a stairway leading down into the spinning blade.

"Lisa! What the hell are you doing?" Gaspard yelled.

"My scarf fell down thereeeeee..." Lisa said, drugged.

Lisa started walking down the stairway. Before Gaspard could do anything, he heard a weird metallic foot step noise. Looking to the side, he saw Victoria, suspended in the air by four metallic legs. She wore a pink short skirted dress and it looked like she was pregnant while bathed in some dark shield.

"You 2 are so lame."Victoria said.

"What have you done to Lisa?!" Gaspard hissed.

"Shes just the way I see her, stupid. It's obvious since I'm the oldest." Victoria said.

"You always say that." Gaspard said.

"That's because I'm the oldest." Victoria said.

"Bitch, you just bragged your way to hell." Gaspard threatened.

Gaspard blasted his shotgun at her, which had no effect whatsoever.

"You can't kill me. I'm not connected to my mother." Victoria said.

"Well heres a mother's day gift!" Gaspard yelled, throwing an umbilical cord at Victoria.

"EWWW! Were the fuck did you find that thing?" Victoria demanded.

"It was buried in your fucking throat you whore!" Gaspard yelled.

The blood from the umbilical cord caused Victoria's dark shield to dissipate. Gaspard shot her with his shotgun. Victoria thrust one of her metallic legs at him, but Gaspard rolled to the side. He aimed his shotgun at her again, but she swatted it away with one of her legs.

"Ha, lets see how you are without your gun." She smugly said.

Gaspard pulled an Uzi out of his man purse. Victoria gasped at the sight of it and was introduced to a curtain of lead. After taking around 120 bullets to the chest, Victoria's metallic legs could no longer hold her up. She fell to the ground. Gaspard pulled out a knife and stabbed it in her stomach.

"Ow! Do you know how rude that is?" She demanded.

Gaspard pulled down on the knife and ripped open her pregnant stomach. Do you know what came out? It was the vase he and Lisa broke earlier in the chapter. He picked it up and smashed it on the floor. He grabbed the end of one of Victoria's legs and stabbed it through her head. Just then he remembered Lisa.

Lisa was about to step into the weird spinning blades. Before she did, Gaspard seized her and pulled her back onto the circular platform.

"My scarf..." Lisa said.

"Lisa! Snap out of it!" Gaspard yelled.

Gaspard pulled out a plastic bottle filled with a red liquid. He splashed it onto Lisa. A weird parasitic worm thing tore out of her back and landed on the floor. Gaspard stomped on it.

"Gaspard? Where am I? And why am I covered in blood? And why is my sister dead?" Lisa asked.

"It was because we were weak Lisa. We needed someone to punish us. Now I punished them." Gaspard said.

Gaspard pulled Lisa in closer to him and kissed her. Lisa embraced it and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"So thats what happened to the vase?" Lisa's dad asked.

Gaspard and Lisa were sitting on the couch in front of Lisa's father.

"Yeah, the vase's destruction caused the release of all the hellish stuff." Gaspard said.

"Then how come I didn't see it?" Lisa's dad asked.

Gaspard and Lisa looked at each other.

"Uhhh, maybe it was all in our heads." Lisa said.

"Yeah, I think that's the cause." Lisa's dad said.

"But it's true!" Gaspard said.

"Gaspard, did you really expect me to believe this shit?" Lisa's dad asked.

Suddenly, a siren sounded off. The walls peeled off to reveal metallic surfaces underneath. Then a man wearing a pyramid on his head broke through the front door. He cut Lisa's dad in half with his massive blade. Lisa grabbed a chain and Gaspard pulled out his chainsaw and they both attacked the man.

The end.

**I have so many unfinished Channel 13 chapters. I keep losing interest in some of them and want to start new ones. Keep watching for more to come.**


	14. Fantastic Inventions: The Pig Generator

Chapter 15: Fantastic Inventions: The Pig Generator/Mutant Hunters 1

**Have you seen the trailers for Amnesia A machine for pigs? I was pumped by it and decided to do a short story on it and the purpose of the machine.**

"Welcome to Fantastic Inventions. Today, we get the details from a man who may have just solved the energy crisis. The one, and only, Oswald Mundus." Andrew said before the screen faded.

The screen opens with a man in a blue suit sitting at his desk.

"Hello, I am Oswald Mundus. Recently, I have created a wonderful new machine with absolutely no harmful byproducts." Mundus said.

Mundus got up from his desk and went down some stairs, while talking to the camera.

"One night, I had a nightmare that I was being chased by a demonic pig who was trying to eat me. Then suddenly, I awoke to the smell of coal fumes. So I simply got the idea to combine these 2 ideas." Mundus said.

"You made pigs made of coal?" The cameraman asked.

"No." Mundus said.

"You made coal made from pigs?" The cameraman asked.

"No, it has absolutely nothing to do with Coal! I'm talking about energy! Pigs and Energy! This is how I created, the pig generator!" Mundus shouted.

Mundus reached the bottom of the steps and turned on a light, revealing a massive room filled with machinery.

"With this machinery, I can use pigs as an energy source." Mundus said.

"How does it work?" The cameraman asked.

"I'm happy you asked. This way." Mundus said.

Mundus lead the camera man over to a table.

"First, we need a pig." Mundus said, picking up a full grown pig and setting it on the table. "Then we strap it down."

"You mean they don't run on treadmills to power stuff?" The cameraman asked.

"Treadmills? Don't be absurd. Treadmills could never be used to power machines. Take the treadmill in _Yogi's Gang_ for example. That single treadmill could never power an entire flying ship by itself." Mundus said.

"Then how the hell do you generate power from this thing?" The camera man asked.

"I was about to tell you that." Mundus said.

Mundus suddenly pulled out a knife and stabbed the pig in the neck.

"Holy shit!" The cameraman yelled.

"Calm down. This is part of the energy cycle. The blood of the pig is siphoned through this small tube, which leads down here." Mundus said.

Mundus lead the cameraman down more stairs.

"A multitude of tubes join together where they will form one massive stream of blood, which will then turn this water wheel, powering a turbine." Mundus said. "And thats not all!"

Mundus unstrapped the pig's corpse and threw it in a furnace.

"Once a pig's body is empty, we simply pitch it in here, coat it in shoe polish and light it on fire." Mundus said, doing just that. "This heats up some water above, which creates steam and powers another turbine."

"Have you tried anything else besides pigs?" The cameraman asked.

"Well, I have tried it with dogs, cats, cows, sheep, hobos, and illegal aliens, but none of them have worked out as much as the pigs. They're easy to obtain, filled with blood, no one gives a shit about them, easily burned, and can occasionally make a delicious ham sandwich." Mundus said.

"Isn't this somewhat unethical?" The cameraman asked.

"Why would it be unethical? They're pigs." Mundus said.

The screen suddenly cut back to the studio.

"Unsurprisingly, there was a large number of complaints by concerned individuals." Andrew said.

The scene shifted to a farm with a regular pig. The headline said "Wilbur".

"Okay, I can understand people wanting to eat pigs, but use their bodies for energy!? Thats just (BLEEP) ridiculous! It's bad enough we have to fear getting eaten, but now we have to worry about some psycho kidnapping us, draining our blood, and then burning our corpses. That man should be arrested." Wilbur said.

Then at a kitchen, there was another pig whose body was made up of the letters P I G.

"Oh my! I never heard of such an awful atrocity! Thank lord I live in word world! I can't help but feel sorry for the poor pigs that have to endure such punishment." Pig said.

Suddenly, a little red ant made up of the letter dragging a C came in.

"Hey Pig, I got your C!" Ant said.

"Oh good, now I can mak N!" Pig said.

Pig assembled the aforementioned letters, and a chicken made of those letters appeared. Then pigs sliced it's head off with a butcher knife made from the letter E.

Then it cut to another location. The pig they were interviewing was named Wibbly.

"I'm gonna have nightmares after what you just told me." Wibbly said.

Then they interviewed Porky Pig, who couldn't be understood.

"Following the interviews, all the interviewees vanished. Could there be a connection between them and Mundus' machine?" Andrew asked.

Meanwhile, in Mundus' machine room...

"N-N-Now h-h-hold on t-t-there! I'll h-h-h-have the l-l-law on y-y-y-you!" Porky said as he was strapped down to a table.

"Oh stuff it." Mundus said.

"H-h-h-h-h-how w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-you like it if I-I-I drained y-y-y-y-" Porky started before Mundus plunged a knife in his neck.

"Right then, whos next?" Mundus' asked, looking at a cage that held the other interviewees.

"Coming up next, Mutant Hunters." The narrator said.

A woman in a blue spandex suit with blonde hair and a purple vest along with a brown bearded man in a blue spandex suit with an orange vest stood infront of a window that overlooked a room with an African man strapped to a chair.

"Hello, I'm Milly Azray and this is my husband, Raz Karcy." Milly said.

"We're from _Overblood_." Raz said.

"In the room behind us is a man infected with the Uroboros virus. Though he seems fine, he is very dangerous and could mutate at any second." Milly said.

"He's weird as shit." Raz said.

"We're going to show you just how dangerous he is by provoking him to mutate." Milly said.

"To do that, I drew some upsetting pictures that I'm about to show him." Raz said.

"For safety, we've erected mutant proof glass shielding on this window." Milly said.

Raz showed the pictures to the camera. They included Barack Obama, a sad face, a kitty and a puppy, and a nuclear explosion. Raz showed them to the guy in the chair.

"He isn't mutating." Raz said.

"Shut up. Okay, since we paid 500 dollars to get this freak here, we are gonna show you what he looks like after mutating even if it kills us. Which it might." Milly said.

"How do we do that?" Raz asked.

"Go in there and poke him with a stick." Milly said.

"Great idea!" Raz said.

Raz went into the room with the african man and poked him in the eye repeatedly with a stick. He screamed, but still didn't mutate.

"Damn it, get back out here." Milly said.

Raz came back out and Milly shoved a hand gun into Raz's hands.

"Shoot him in the chest. That'll work." Milly said.

"You won't lock me out again will you?" Raz asked.

"Of course not, I'm not inhumane." Milly said.

Raz went back inside the room and Milly shoved a refrigerator in front of the door.

"I never said I wouldn't barricade him in." Milly said.

Raz shot the man in the chest several times with the handgun. Suddenly, black gooey tentacles shot out of the man's wounds and surrounded his body.

"Oh my god! It's Venom!" Raz yelled.

"No! Its the Uroboros you retard!" Milly yelled.

The man broke free from the straps on the chair. Raz shot it until the clip in his gun ran out. Then he threw the pistol at the guy, who absorbed it into his body. It swatted Raz against the wall and wrapped it's arms around him. The gooey worms on it started to wrap around him.

"Yuck! I hate those gummy worms!" Raz yelled.

"Well, it appears the Uroboros is consuming Raz to add him to it's body. I shouldn't need to worry, this glass is mutant proof." Milly said.

The uroboros slipped into an air vent and came out of another in the same room Milly was in. It seized her.

"Well, I forgot to seal the vents. Join me and Raz next week when we try to put braces on a chimera, good night." Milly said before she was completely engulf by the uroboros.

The end.

**I'm serious people, leave some damn reviews.**


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